My dearest Love,
You painted a picture for me: one of happiness, art, love and a home. A house to blend our aura’s in, a room in which to make magic happen. A mingling of our love and lives, a beautiful journey. You sent me messages of excitement for our home and our plans for our lives. Messages of loving me with all your heart and enthusiasm for making a home with me, the girl who enjoys art, metal, dancing and sports. But being your dream girl is not enough. Your actions are speaking louder than your words. And your actions are telling me that what you have spoken to me about for half a year, is riskable. That you are willing to lose and throw it away for another dream that has wrenched your soul and sent you into depths of agony.
“Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression. Hang my head I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow.”
And yes, I understand that this dream is your Dream. That you feel without this dream you are not whole, you are not happy with yourself and that you are not the person you want to be without this dream happening and you not pursuing every opportunity for this dream to come to fruition. A dream that has your soul in its hands. One that you have dedicated yourself to nearly your whole life. I have seen how important this dream is to you, how you have structured your life around it. So you are willing to risk everything for this dream. That’s admirable, and decimating. Admirable b/c you will let nothing stop you from pursuing your goal. You want this to happen and as the timeline for success draws to a close, you will risk everything else in your life to make it happen. Your dedication is so invincible, you are willing to lose your dream girl, the amazing home we could have built, the support system of your friends, for a dream that has eluded you for years. And what makes it difficult is to see how this dream has torn you up. How it agonizes and torments you. How much control it has over you and how miserable you are because of it. I am scared for you. I am scared that if this doesn’t work out that it will ruin you. I am scared that this one move could not be successful and could kill not only your dream for music, but the dreams you have of sharing a life with me. It could kill two dreams at once. I want you to achieve your dream so very much, and I understand that it torments you. But I don’t want it to ruin you. You have so many talents you can tap into and you know this. You have said yourself how much pain this dream has caused you, I don’t want it to hurt you anymore.
“I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had. I find it hard to tell you ‘cause I find it hard to take. When people running circles it’s a very very mad world.”
I realize the decision has not yet been made. And yes, you say you feel secure in risking our love in this venture b/c you feel that we will be reunited in your glory. That you will be successful and will be able to call me, happy with yourself, to make me an offer. I love you so much and yet I fear that either I will never get this call, or that when I do, I would have found another to make me queen of his kingdom. Who is not willing to risk losing me. But why do I fear finding another? I guess because I love you and I love what our life together could be. It could be magical.
Oh, my love. My heart aches. I feel I entrusted to you my heart, and somehow the near future of it is in your hands. What will you do with it?
“Don’t take my heart, don’t break my heart, don’t don’t don’t throw it away.”
I know you will do what you feel you have to for you. And so will I. I understand that this is not an easy decision and it will be a decision that will influence you for the rest of your life. I do not want you to regret the decision you make or resent me or Utah if that is your choice. But if you decide to go, I will continue my life without you. You have my heart, but not my soul. My life does not revolve around you, you are not my world. I know it seems that way sometimes, but you are not, and I don’t need you. I would love to have you in my life and share our experiences, grow together, and make magic with you. It truly would be beautiful. The power of our united souls would be magnanimous. But if you leave, my life will go on. It will hurt, and I will miss you, but I will continue on my path, without you. I will learn about and grow herbs, I will continue (yes, continue, I have not let this go, this is something I still currently pursue) to cast, I will learn tarot, become a yoga instructor, continue painting, meet other people, continue my life. I will learn how to focus on me, I will become selfish, and harden my heart. I will grow myself into the person I envision. The person I had hoped to become with you. You may have unlocked something in me, but you do not hold the key. I do.
(interspersed lyrics are Tears for Fears, Mad World)