I woke up pondering a conversation I had last night at the Yerkish show last night. If felt good to talk. And to feel real. Random conversations in unexpected environments can cause you to later reflect on things you that you said, that you believed to be true at the moment. Sometimes it’s the person’s reaction to you, sometimes it’s hearing you say it out loud that ignites a renewed metacognition.
I still feel pretty solid on what transpired, the thoughts I shared, though I do feel like I over-shared and there is one specific statement I wish had remained my own silent secret.
But the ideas of expectations in life, especially as you grow older, came up. And I’ve struggled with these expectations, and as of late, have been trying to release them. I think the stress of those expectation is something we really experience in our 20’s. The stress of maybe not being too sure that those expectations are right, and then the stress of wanting to achieve our goals so badly that the stress of failing soon corrodes are positivity. Anxiety, disorders, anger and craziness spew forth like a pestilence in turn creating more stress and distraction.
But that’s not a great way to live. That’s not what life is about, is it?
As I end my 20’s, clarity is coming. My man has told me several times that as you approach 30 things start to make sense. That the 20’s are a struggle for meaning, clarity and sense of self. And now I believe that to be true. For me, it was releasing expectations of what my life should look like and what should be happening. Expectations set me up for failure immediately. Because they concerned other people, but didn’t reflect them, but reflected what I wanted them to be. Not who they were. My expectations concerned aspects of life that I have limited control over, and what I wanted, what I expected, didn’t come into fruition. I was constantly being upset b/c my work life wasn’t how I wanted it to be, I’m not as good of a yogi as I expected me to be right now or as great of an artist. I had trouble in a variety of relationships b/c others weren’t behaving as I expected them to…but my expectations were based on me. Not them. And I wasn’t accepting them for who they were.
The key thing I realized, was that by holding on to my expectations, I was not appreciating life as it is.
My expectations blinded me to realities, to unique beauties in others and life. The nuances that keep things interesting.
Expectations were setting me up to be bored when they were realized, or disappointed and hurt when they weren’t. As I near the end of my 20’s, I am trying to release my expectations, so I can see life as it is, and not through a dirty film of imposed expectations. I still have my goals, and keep the destination in mind but am hoping that by loosening my grip on how things should be, I can accept how things are. We put expectations on ourselves and others and life, and we get stressed out and angry when they don’t happen that way. And our energy is lost on that anger and stress. That energy is better spent on living in the now and how things are.
Osho Zen Card of the Day: Slowing Down. There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who you are.