I am just a tool

I just worked really hard on a piece. I’ve actually been working on the piece for about a year now. Not consistently, but I’ve been working on it here and there. It’s one of those personal pieces where I put a lot of time in it, get it where I think it is good, and someone says, nope, it should be this way.

It’s frustrating and heart breaking.

I wasn’t the one who initiated this piece, so in some ways I do have to care what that person thinks. I know I know, if I like it it should be enough, but when you are trying to work with somebody, and that somebody has a strong vision, it doesn’t really matter what I think. I’m just a tool, really, a means to an end. A tool that doesn’t seem to have the right attachment to make the final product into the vision.

I just want to hear, that looks awesome.

Sounds lame, but I do. I struggle and put a lot of thought and effort into my work and it is becoming increasingly difficult to just hear, better, but it isn’t…and it completely dashes my confidence. Which is probably why it’s taking me so long to work on this piece. You’d think with my meditation and yoga, that I would be better about removing my expectations and need for approval from others. But that need has been there longer than the meditation and yoga. It’s driven beside me in all of my endeavors. The need for approval and to hear positive things said about me and my work is so strong that to not have it is an embedded fear. It’s a large reason why I procrastinate…if I failed it’s because I didn’t put a lot of time into it. I usually didn’t though…still was pretty successful.

And now…WTF?

And now I try, I put a lot of time and effort in and it’s still not good enough. What kind of reflection is that for me? Maybe it’s a reflection of the other person living an unsatisfied life, never being happy with themselves or what they are doing. Maybe it’s them feeling their own personal failures and unintentionally bringing me down to that level. Makes me wonder if the piece will ever be good enough. The only time the pieces are good enough is when that person gives me step-by-step directions, over my shoulder, on what to do. Not really an equal partnership. Huh…that sucks. What’s difficult is the work we do together is pretty fucking brilliant. But I can’t really consider it a we project, not when I’m just taking directives, being told what to do. I really am just a tool. I have the programs, the computer and literally the technical skills to accomplish a vision…but it’s not my vision.

I’d say when is it time for my vision to come to fruition, but I need a solid vision first. And any time I have had a solid vision, it still doesn’t get a lot of great feedback. What does that say about me? Maybe I really am a failure, maybe not an artist at all. Maybe I should just give up and except I am a tool. Or just not share my personal art with anybody. I clearly get my feelings hurt when I don’t get the response I was hoping for. My artist self may just belong in a cave in the farthest reaches of the mountains. Yeah, dramatic, I know. I’ve heard that before too. Whatever.

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