An honest conversation about how I look and how I think

I was having a conversation with my beloved and it brought into awareness a struggle I am having about how I am am viewed. I was communicating to him my need to feel smart and to feel heard I guess. About my need to have a conversation where I can explore thoughts I am having and to decide if I am full of shit or a fucking genius. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in between 🙂

I had said something about not wanting to hear about my body but rather about the quality of my thoughts. And in this conversation it occurred to me the confusing message I may be delivering to people. You see I care how I look. I craft it, I think about it, I take it into consideration. I’m a very visual person so not only do I want to wear things that are visually pleasing to my eye, the artist in me wants to explore the boxes and challenge them. Not that I’m crazy stylish or anything like that mind you, but I do think about what I wear and how I present myself. And most the time what I look like describes how I’m feeling on the inside. For example, I know when I’ve been working out, when I’ve been eating right, when I’ve been cooking for myself. It shows on the outside. My body is a direct reflection of how I feel and how I am living my life. It represents the quality of my life in a specific moment. The fitter I am, the more I am loving myself.

I think in crafting this image of myself I’ve begun to lose the intellectual side of me. I don’t have the discussions and the dialogs in the class environment that I had growing up. One of the things that I love the most in life is getting into conversations with people. I like to get their thoughts, like to hear their opinions, and I like to merge or mingle or contrast that with my own. It’s one of my favorite ways to connect with people. My smalltalk, is not strong. I like to dive deep down into the hidden stuff pretty quickly. I want to hear about how your life is and how is this discussion, and is it impactful? I have this need to make a difference in peoples lives and I feel like I can do that better with discussion and dialogue. It’s one of my favorite reasons to be a yoga teacher. Be a guide for people. I love hearing when something I said in class causes a shift. I read and I take in ideas a lot and I like to present them to people. I share things that have blown my mind. And maybe they’re impactful and maybe not. But I like to share regardless.

Growing up, my classes were full of philosophical ponderings and seminars. This discussion I had with my beloved, I guess it just made me realize how much I miss that type of environment. The ability to connect on a deeper level with people. Our lives can get so busy and so damn full of the innocuous and the mundane. And we may forget about the deeper connections with our friends and family and people around us. I have been trying to make an effort to slow down and to open up the space so that I can connect with people on that level. This conversation has made me realize how much I need that. That is something I need regularly in my life.

And the ironic and hypocritical thing about it, is that growing up in high school and junior high and what not I’m sure I would’ve loved to have been complimented on my physical self. My younger self definitely would be slapping my current self in the face right now for complaining about getting complemented on my physical self. I grew up a bit overweight and always wearing soccer clothes. My appearance was not something I cared about.

But it is now. Whatever happens in my subconscious manifests in my conscious mind and in my physical environment. I have zero poker face. If I feel like shit, I’m sure I look like shit too. But I want to connect on all aspects of myself. Not just the gross and superficial. I want to connect deeper with my beloved, my friends, my family. I want to get to know the people in my yoga classes and connect with them on an emotional level so that I can help guide their yoga practice to place of creativity and healing.

i’ve been reading a lot on the news lately trying to figure out what’s happening in this world. And overall it really saddens me. I’ve been reading so much about wars about anger about frustration. But I want to see the beauty in people too. And the way that I see that is through connecting with them on an emotional level. Talking to them about their dreams and aspirations. Even walking that dangerous road and talking about spirituality and religion. That I fucking love. I love hearing your thoughts and new ideas to be able to expand my own consciousness. My beloved is one of the most amazing and smartest people I know and in ways I simply am not. I want to get into his head and figure out what he’s thinking and why. And I want to share my side of things complete picture can be formed and maybe, just maybe I can help expand consciousness.

And yes I want to do that while still hearing about how awesome my style is or how great my hair looks. My friend makes the amazing hats that I wear or the arm warmers that I wear, and I love bragging about my hairdresser and how awesome she makes my hair look. I love talking about the shoes that my sister gave me or the outfits my mom buys me. I still love that side of things. I love bragging about how my beloved makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. And I Love and adore connecting with people. Dancing in and with their energy. Sharing mine and commingling. Connecting with the beautiful side of humanity.

I guess I want it all. Body mind soul. I want to hear the beat of your heart, the cadence of your breath, the rhythm of your soul. I want to hear and dance to your song. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. I want to talk about your shadow self. I want you to challenge my ideas and walk me through the understanding process. I want to discard old ideas and create new ones. I want to buy you a shot and talk about the transformative and healing dream you just had. I could go on and on.

And I love my beloved for always helping me to understand how my complaints can grow my awareness. That saying what I am upset about can help me see what I’m needing and what I value most. We are always growing and we are always learning. And it’s important to accept that and give ourselves empathy and those around us empathy as we struggle to find a successful way to communicate and to connect. But I continue to try. To do my best. And to speak with truth and non-violence. To hear and to consider. To love.

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