I’ve stared at this blog page like this quite a few times…the, do-I-don’t-I stage. I was a do, at one point in time; and then there was a reorg and I lost my job. My sister was like, nooo, you need to delete the dark stuff…your future employer doesn’t want to know about your “crazy” (yeah, you know what I mean…and if not…you’re one of the lucky, transcended, few). And it was true. Employer’s want to know that you can compartmentalize emotions and get your work done. They aren’t paying us to be emotional, they are paying us to do our jobs. They don’t want to read about your trials and tribulations. I get it. For whatever reason, I want to go deep and raw when I write. It’s like teaching a yoga class…sure, I’ll talk about the essential oils I use to enhance the experience, but that’s not where the work is. The practice begins when you show up to do the hard stuff, to do the reflecting, to do the mourning, to work through whatever it is we are carrying. But that stuff has been “off-limits” in the past, so I haven’t really written. And here I am tonight…my life looking nothing like it did a year ago, and life has opened up. I am carrying a lot of brutal, intense, extreme stuff in me write now and I want to right it out. Yeah. I switched them on purpose.
And I’m pondering whether or not it’s “taboo” to share my thoughts…rather, my emotions. Is it taboo to share the work I am doing, here while I am in this human suit? My Beloved just introduced me to Howard Stern. I think I remember my Dad liking him growing up; but, I never heard him until we got a new car and it has Sirius Radio…and my man loves his Stern. And I find, so do I! I never wanted to listen to talk radio before and here I was listening to him, feeling smarter and more human for having listening to him. I love his interviews. I want to hear about the depths of emotional endurance Drew Barrymore has taken during her life, to hear her stories of humility and rawness. And maybe I’m just a weirdo paranoid introvert feeling uncomfortable sharing herself; but, for me Stern made it okay.
I was in a yoga workshop with Pete Guinosso and he said one of the most beautiful things. Something like…One of the things people want the most is to be seen; as yoga teachers, we have the opportunity to bear witness to people’s existence. It blew my mind. It was beautiful, it felt authentic, and it vibrated through me. Since then (and it’s only been 3 weeks…baby steps…starting somewhere) I’ve been trying to show up in my classes and see the people there. I’ve been trying to engage in dialogue with them and see them, see you, for who you are. I’m trying to honor the human-to-human relationship. And knowing what people are going through when they’re on the mat has been amazing. I adjust my flows based on what aspects of the asana practice, will be the most supportive for them. Seeing people, seeing into their humanity, has only been expansive.
I grew up being made aware of my heightened sensitivity levels. The phrase, you’re too sensitive…wasn’t unheard of around me. As a result, I grew up very aware of my (excessive) emotions. And I’ve learned I’m a complete failure at hiding them, no matter how much I don’t want to be too sensitive or excessively emotional. If you believe in astrology, or just find it amusing…I’m a cancer >>fun little graphics about cancers>>> they all say I’m moody (but really, what’s wrong with eating copious amounts of chocolate? It’s good for your heart 🙂 ), and moody’s drug of choice is emotion … I feel them often, sometimes quite unexpectedly and sometimes quite powerful. Out of nowhere, I can be seized by giggles or destroyed by grief. And when I lift my gaze, and see eye-to-eye with you…I know you are experiencing them too. I know you feel the depths of your humanity. And for most of us, I know that’s scary; because, I also know that look of being completely uncomfortable on your face when I say something about my dad’s recent passing. Emotions are hard. It’s where so much of our work is. We try to push them away and we end up reacting instead of responding. Well, us cancers anyway 🙂 And in so many ways, we have every right to be scared of emotions, improperly handled, they can cause so much destruction. One of the reasons I quit drinking is because I have experienced so much shit, with not the right kind of tools, and I lost my self in my emotions. And “Alcohol is a depressant. That means any amount you drink can make you more likely to get the blues. Drinking a lot can harm your brain and lead to depression. When you drink too much, you’re more likely to make bad decisions or act on impulse.” And I don’t want to make bad decisions and I don’t want to act (under those circumstances especially) on impulse. Right now, I want to do the work. I want to shed the debris, heal my wounds, I want to work through my existing emotions and learn how to navigate the oncoming ones. I want to shower my man with love and appreciation and give copious amounts of hugs. And I think I want to share my journey. So. If you’re in, I’m creating a TMI category. If you’re already weary about my soliloquy then I’m sure you’re not even reading this line.
Hugs & Love, My Fellow Humans…