Lines of focus

I forget the breath, and start to analyze

Breath in. Breath out. I’m watching the breath, being the breath, embracing the breath.

Breath leads my focus. It’s where the meditation begins. Going deeper into the breath narrows my focus. Distractions drop away as I consider the breath, the aspects and what it is saying. I look at my canvas, I pick up the brush – all with the rise and fall of my breath. The lines begin.
Line leading line following line.

lines
Line after line line

 

I deepen the gaze, narrow my focus. I unfurl my brow and breathe in the lines. I lengthen my breaths, matching exhale to inhale. It invigorates. I think to myself, “I think I am actually present right now. How awesome. I should tell —- . I wonder how I did it.” I glance at the lines, they have taken on an interesting flow as I lost my breath and entered into my mind. I had started analyzing. I brought myself back to my breath. I sat in stillness. Reconnecting to the breath, allowing energy to flow through me. I stopped analyzing the lines and just became the lines. The lines were expressing what I needed to express, what I needed to channel. I don’t need to analyze it yet, right now I just need to do it, to breath it, to create that focus. The lines, my focus, the union of body and breath. I took a breath and picked up my paintbrush.

 

I forget the breath, and start to analyze
I forget the breath, and start to analyze

 

I became entranced with the movement of the lines, the quality of the lines, how the brush was setting paint down and how if I adjusted my hands mid-flow it altered the line. What it looked like was unimportant, the breath and energy I was channeling was creating a focus I need. The chatter in my head is overwhelming, frustrating, distracting and inhibiting. The focus that connecting my breath to painting lines is a relief. It focuses my mind so I can find a bit of peace and quiet. The to do lists on 20 different projects drip away, the awkward conversation I had that afternoon and analyzing people’s reactions seemed ridiculous to waste my time on. What my schedule looked like seemed manageable and I started to trust in myself and in the universe. People may actually like me…and quieting my mind and using the breath and my art to release some ideas and thoughts no longer serving me. My breath drank in creative energy as the line danced upon the canvas. And my breath distinguished the destructive energy I was holding on to.

Lines of focus
Lines of focus

I hung the painting back on the wall and just kind of stared at it. My mind still quieted from the artistic mediation I just experienced for two hours (time flew). I just looked at it for a while and then cocked a hip and leaned to the left. In doing so I realized the interplay between the lights and the darks. The lines all depend on how you look at them from a specific angle. Which is exactly what my thoughts try to do…consider all of the perspectives. Glancing at it now, it pulses with energy…seems like all of the thoughts I usually kept in my head were expressed in the lines instead. I channeled them onto the canvas so my mind could quiet and enter a focused, artistic meditation. For those two hours my mind took a breather and my destructive energy was creatively channeled from my chest, down my arm, into my fingers and along the lines of my brush and into the focused lines on the canvas.

 

Depends on how you look at it
Depends on how you look at it

 

And then I went out to my balcony to enjoy the fresh air and to release and restore in my hammock.

 

Your comfort zone

You hear all of the time how you should get out of your comfort zone. That safe place where your soul resides. And it’s true. Get the hell out, get some exploration in your energy. Try new things. Have new experiences. Push your limits and discover the vast nature of your self.

But don’t forget about your comfort zone. I know, it sounds counter intuitive. You’re supposed to be expanding that zone, getting out of it and creating a new one right? Yes. But visit that old zone for a moment or two. Remember who you were in that zone and how far you’ve come. Appreciate your new development and the new self you have become. But also don’t forget that just because you’ve had new and exciting and fabulous experiences, it doesn’t mean you need to create a new routine out of them.

Make sure your experimental self aligns with the self you are trying to become. Sometimes we can get caught up with all of the new and exciting and eye-openers you have experienced and could continue to experience. This world is a vast entity and new experiences are boundless. But new experiences lead you down new paths. And sometimes that’s the path you are supposed to be walking. That fork in the road that whispers to your soul and your soul whimpers to experience. Other times it’s just a path. Somebody’s path, but a path you dabble in but don’t remain on.

Branch out, be experimental and go with the flow. But the flow will need to go around a rock at some point and when that moment arrives, evaluate the road to the left and the road to the right. You end up at the same place, but the experiences are different and you that merges is altered. So every once-in-a-while, return to your comfort zone. It’s a place of strength and confidence. A place of familiarity. Take a moment to meditate. Reflect on your life and your intentions. And follow the path that makes sense. Don’t get caught up in the rapids. Quiet your mind and align your soul.

Channeling

I was meditating last night and an image came through me…I was living it and seeing it simultaneously. I was a vehicle for the universe. I could tell I was a bit of a newbie at this. I was sitting outside on my hammock, listening to a mantra meditation, feeling the breeze across my face, the moon shining softly down. I would start to deepen into meditation and feel the earth pulse through me. I would tense up hoping to channel stronger energy, when really I should have been relaxing. The experience ebbed and flowed and I saw me living it and saw me painting it…

It’s this gorgeous meditative series rooted in channeling the energy of the universe through your body and out your hands in a Reiki style exertion of energy.

Hoping to harness the idea that one can be relaxed and be a vehicle for energy to flow through but being able to have the conscious awareness to channel for a specific reason…healing, truth, loving, etc.

I envision white light connecting through the meditators crown of the head and flowing through the body experiencing a transformation…an alchemy if you will…of universal energy into an intentional energy.

When my mantra was over, I went inside and drew the experience…just a quick sketch and I hope to step away from the hectic pace of my life to sit down with that vision. I hope to be able to share it with the world, what I saw and what I felt when having that experience. Hopefully sooner than later the visual’s will manifest and I will share. I already know that healing energy will be the first of hopefully many…I am in the midst of healing myself…and I have been told by nearly every energy worker I’ve been to that I have healing hands. It’s time to turn my focus there…

 

Meditation

 

Cheers~

Meditation with the gods

For an hour I sat and meditated with the gods.

I look up at the sky as I feel the first drops of rain on my face. I felt refreshed and invigorated. The moment was perfect. I took several breaths in, appreciating the water dampening my hoodie but not my spirits.

It was gorgeous outside. And I thought back to the last time I had felt so free. A smile crept across my face as I realized it had been so long and that I was excited for the unexpected, spontaneous visit to the gods. I remembered the text I had sent the friend I was supposed to be meeting up with who had texted me to tell me he was two hours delayed: No worries. I’ll go meditate with the gods.

There was something about just phrasing it that way that set it up for a divine experience.

To be clear, I was at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. A magnificent rock garden. It wasn’t my plan to be there, alone. But the universe knew…and had known all along because for some reason I had my camera and Mala beads with me.

And it was raining.

I saw people hiding under rocks to stay dry. Huddled in or leaving the park all together because of the storm. For me it was the most appropriate weather and I danced in it. I felt so alive and invigorated.

It was the connection to nature I had been missing. And I am a water soul.

 

I gently wandered around, deep into my freedom, trusting in my feet to lead me. I remember watching the rain fall into a puddle. I had never really taken the time to do that before, but the rain was whispering to me to watch. So I watched. And when I had drank in enough, I wandered on.

...trusting in my feet to lead.
…trusting in my feet to lead.

The storm was quieting and I found myself at the top of some rocks looking across (Manitou? The Springs?)…I took my camera out and shot a few, drawing in the air and earth energy. I had been burned out by fire energy for so long. I needed exposure to the other elements. And I drew myself into the moment, and sat quietly…

And I realized I was becoming happy with who I am. And that for the first time in years, I was living for me. I’ve always wanted to go to be Garden of the Gods alone but never did. Never really felt comfortable leaving my relationship behind (clearly unhealthy). For years I was in a manipulated, unhealthy space and hadn’t been making decisions for myself or for my needs. Sitting on top of those rocks, I knew that I was living a day of fate, and transformation. I knew that snake energy I had been drawing on was there helping me shed my old skin, and that I was becoming the new me. I’m still not sure who that is, but I knew in that moment, that I was where I was supposed to be and that I was grateful. That life was good and would continue to be good as long as I trusted in myself and the universe. That the earth was beautiful and I needed to connect with that energy more often. So many things went through my mind and I sat with the moment and observed. And it wasn’t amongst my normal chatter, but it was like a slow stream in a still mind…and I just paid attention…

The universe had given me a little shove that morning, and I had gratefully responded.

I smiled, gave myself a hug, and took off my Kali Ma Mala beads. And I sat quietly. And I sat still. And I sat grateful for all of the demons I had already consumed. I sat feeling grateful for the fearlessness and courage I was gaining and that had brought me out into the earth and rain. I sat with my freedom. And I sat with my self. For an hour I sat…

And meditated with the gods.

 

For an hour I sat and meditated with the gods.
For an hour I sat and meditated with the gods.

 

 

___________________________________________

An after thought…the music I was listening to. Music is huge in my life and I remember, standing in the rain, listening to the storm and wondering what I would put on my iPod…I would occasionally take the head phones off to listen to the sounds of nature, but I settled on Alcest. They are a french band and I’ve never understood the lyrics. But it felt appropriate to listen to while I wandered the gardens. While writing this post I put Faiseurs de Mondes, (click the link to listen) the song I really connected with. I decided to look up the lyrics and they seemed pretty appropriate to the experience so I thought I’d share. Please listen to it as well, it’s so beautiful.

Makers of the worlds 

Your ageless eyes
Are penetrating mirrors,
Shaping and beautifying the world

By their reflection.
The edge of the woods, far away
Becomes a moving temple, iridescent,
Celebrating the birth of spring.

And these immense mountains,
Wanting to join the heavens,
Whirling
Above out heads.

This reality around us,
Is the one you have chosen
And your dreams cover our sphere
With an ideal painting,
Unfolding in the light of your eyes,
At the sound of your voice.

But a series of moments

(via audreyhepburncomplex)

What is this thing called life? The existence we walked through day by day hour by hour minute by minute? And is it really the second by second that counts?

I often begin a yoga class, scanning myself to become aware of who I am right at that moment. Who I am emotionally spiritually and physically. But what does that really mean? I am not my goals I am not my career. Am I as transient as my emotions? As scattered as my thoughts?

I am energy. Creative and destructive.

That is so abstract I’m not sure what that means. I understand creating and destroying… But I may not understand the reason behind it. But I love where my imagination takes me. Creating and destroying, That dichotomy is infinite… And then so am I.

What is this thing called reality? Is my reality the same as your reality,

Every time I walk onto a yoga mat I’m reminded that I’m in a moment. And that moment is the only moment I will ever have like that moment. It is unique. It is an experience and an expression of who I am at that moment. I am the conglomerate of all of my experiences thoughts emotions up to that point.

I am but a series of moments.

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Journey

We are all on our own journey, and I just caught a glimpse of mine.

Journey, path, well-travelled? Or in the brushes?
Look down, see your feet, where are they walking?
Look deep, into the seat of your soul, where do you wander?

We drift, we direct, we control, we let go.
We experience, we love, we hurt, we grow.

The path I am on is mine.
I am living my life.
People influence, people judge, people teach me…
I, make the choices. I, live the life.

I can let my full weird out.
I can live in the flourishing world of my nerdom.
I am allowed to be me. Just me. In my entirety, as I journey through this life.

 

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It’s time

It’s time to become me

It’s time to discover

 

Discover my voice

Discover my passions

Discover my secret desires

 

My actions do not reflect the person I want to be…

 

Reflect my love

Reflect my creative

Reflect my intentions

 

Cultivate the art of repetition

 

Habit of yoga

Habit of art

Habit of health

 

It’s time to discover

It’s time to become me

 

I'm not sure the artist here.
I’m not sure the artist here.

Let the rain fall

Rain is so cleansing. The purity of the water as it falls reminds me that emotions are of the moment.

For me it is a return to my natural state. Like it is cleaning all the residue of the past from me. It trickle’s down my spine and balances my Chakras.

The rain isn’t forgetting. Rather it is revealing. It washes all the carefully laid veneers. It smears my mascara and reveals my soul.

Veneer gone. My heart is vulnerable to the truth. What truth will be revealed to me today? What do I need to learn?

Thank you nature, for bringing the rain.

Passion

Do you feel that passion? The kind that keeps you up at night the kind that drives you forward? The Kind of passion that you think about every waking hour, Dream about through the night, And constantly crave?

The kind that you won’t let you settle for second-best. The passion that gives your life meaning? It gives you spice And entices you to dance with it.

The kind that isn’t comfortable but keeps pushing you to your edge making you explore your own abyss.

Passion that regularly taps you on the shoulders remind you that it’s there. It’s seductive. It’s mesmerizing. It has you entranced so you think of nothing else.

This passion comforts and claws. It torments and soothes. It is the devil and the angel. It is the vixen and the virgin. It bursts and flows through your veins. Part of your innate being, part of your soul.

That passion ignites fires and boils the waters. It is everything and nothing. It is infinite.

It is that kundalini snake coiled at your spine, that begs for exploration.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Go now and explore. Don’t get comfortable. It’s a journey.

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I don’t know why, I swallowed a fly…I guess I’ll die

It’s one of those days. Maybe it’s the weather…the weather that forces you inside, into your introspective depths.  And as I explore my soul and self, I find myself unworthy.

I was recently called an “American” in the derogatory sense that “I have everything but still want the one thing I don’t have.” Or something like that. It’s weighing on my heart. It was a response to a statement that I had made about my being successful. And in some ways I am successful. I have a great career in the area I choose (Art Director), I teach yoga, I’m learning the violin, I do my own art, I have amazing friends and family…and yet I want a special connection with someone.

Admittedly I may be watching too many Ally McBeal reruns.

But right now I am overwhelmed with sadness, and I’m not really sure why. Well, that’s not true, I didn’t swallow a fly, but I swallowed a mountain of unworthiness. I am not the amazing artist I want to be, and don’t deserve to be called an artist. I am not the amazing meditator/yogi I want to be, and don’t deserve to be teaching. I am not even a whole, satisfied, happy person, so I don’t deserve a special connection with someone I love.

As is said often about me, I’m amazing on paper, but in reality, it turns out I’m just a Monet (yes, flashback to Clueless, how embarrassing.) I half-ass most of my stuff and try to blur it out so everything thinks I am amazing but if you look closely, it’s mediocre. It’s like I love and leave quickly so I don’t have to dive into the depths and see my truth. I live in complete antithesis of how I want to live.

 

If only I could live up to my full potential. Bring the notes on the paper swirling into life and luminescence.  I don’t want to be as bright as the sun, for that is my balance. I want to be quiet and soulful like the moon. I would like to bloom into the void lotus I am, softly unfolding and sharing my velvet petals one at a time.

I’m caught up in my head though, too concerned about society than myself. Too wrapped up in axioms and mores that may not be mine. And if I’m not careful, I will swallow the mediocre, marinate in it, become it, and I guess I’ll die.

Potential