dream

I dreamt last night. I mean, I normally dream. I’ve been one of those people, as of late, who can’t tell the difference between the waking and dreaming world. Where I wake up, get dressed, drive into work, send out some emails and start to work on a project, only to wake up and actually have to do all of it again, or at least for real. But that’s not the point, the point, is that my dream last night involved texting and emailing with a friend. And we figured out a way to measure the success of our goals, both personal and professional.  Some website was either involved or we created one, I’m not really sure, but we had it figured out and were so excited. We were going to achieve all of our goals. We had a list/priority system in place and were ready. Now I realize that these sorts of systems are already in place and that there are such tools out there already to achieve these purposes. But we had developed some catered to our specific needs. It was like after years of trying all of the other tools, we just developed our own. Maybe it’s more that we could list our goals and had self-knowledge that afforded us the ability to recognize our goals and how to achieve them and  even how to measure their success. Hmm…self-knowledge. Meta-cognition.

“To know the whole world is nothing when it is compared to knowing your own inner mystery of life.” ~ Osho

I woke up and did indeed have a text from her, although I had never actually responded. When I told her about the dream, she said, “:) “Dream us” sound pretty sweet”.  I don’t want to live in my dreams. I want my dreams, and my dream self, to become reality. It requires exploration, an evaluation of expectations and transformation. Perhaps to begin, I will chant to Kali and go read Kafka.

 

Exploring decay

I’m not really sure where I am headed with this image. I know it’s not really how you are supposed to start out a new project. I just know that I wanted to explore decay. The decay of a perception of someone, the lack of understanding of someone’s interior, so only the observation of the exterior makes sense. But since the two are not the same, decay of a relationship can occur. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but here is the start of my digital exploration. It’s just the beginning…

 

Me as Divine Artist

A subject for a great poet would be God’s boredom after the seventh day of creation. – Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Is God bored? Is that perhaps why I have the feeling of disconnect? Or maybe I am bored and am the source of that disconnect.

God as creator can be seen through me as a creator. I haven’t been creating, I haven’t been acting as a divine, or rather, expressing my aspect of the divine. Playing my role as part of the divine. Nietzsche says god may be bored. My response may be to suggest invoking the divine in our selves and create in gods’ stead. We are now responsible for utilizing that creative energy and manifest art and beauty in our lives. If we are bored, god is bored; if we are creating, god is creating. We are a reflection , an incarnation, we need to take accountability for our spark of diving light within ourselves. Tap into our energy centers, get the kundalini moving and BE divine. Live divinely. I haven’t been responsible in that sense. Yeah, I go to work every day and design flyers, posters, invites, programs, brochures, websites, etc. But it’s rarely a baring of my soul. It’s not my interpretations of life, of this world. I mean, it’s me designing for my demographics, so I guess it’s a capitalistic creative “ad”venture. I guess I want to see art that is me. That is a reflection of me and my perceptions. Who knows, I guess I just want to paint/draw more. I want to access my individual divine, stop my boredom, start creating.
Ignite my divine flow.

“To know the whole world is nothing when it is compared to knowing your own inner mystery of life.” – Osho

 

I’ve been here many times before


How did I get so lost? How did my energy get so blackened and dark and toxic? I guess I really did lose my self. I forgot to be aware of my own energy and what I needed. I think it’s easier to do that in college. Self awareness I mean. There’s more freedom, more space, more randomness and just overall the ability to take time for yourself. At least, it was that way for me. It was so much easier to just go for a walk, hell, walking to class felt good and was meditative and allowed me the opportunity to be aware of my self.


I need to incorporate that into my life, into my workplace and my post work habits. My energy is so toxic and it isn’t bright and shining with energy. The bright colors of my aura’s are dirtied by anger, pain, envy and fear. I’ve started a meditation that hopefully will help me clear my energy, imagining that the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet and indigo burst through and throw the tar aside. That a gold light envelops me and heals me. I imagine I am connected to the universe. A part of it. My feelings of isolation are self-inflicted. And I want to feel that no more. I want to live beautifully. Create a life of beauty. Expose the ugliness within me. I don’t want to catch a cold from the ice inside my soul. I don’t want to live a half life anymore, and I want to stop scaring myself and those around me. I want beauty, not bindings.

The life of my dreams

Some days are harder than others. Those are usually the days when I realize I have complete control over my life and that my lack of satisfaction and forward movement are all my own fault. That’s when my thoughts turn really destructive and I humiliate myself.

It’s when I realize exactly how lazy and scared I am. That I’d rather sleep instead of try. When I would rather dream, instead of actualize.

I have this amazing dream of how I imagine my life to be. Me being slim and healthy and an awesome yogi, an avid reader, a functional empath…Me and my man successful at art and life and happiness. Having art nights all the time and people salivating for our work. Being happy and free.

 

It takes time and discipline to get there though. As everything in life does. And apparently I would rather sleep than act. I keep having epiphanies on life and have even shared them here. But those thoughts and ideas do me no good if I can’t manifest them into reality. If I can’t stop sleeping through life and take action. That’s the biggest failure of all, but it seems to be one I am okay with. I must be okay with it since I’m not cultivating the habits I dream of. I am not taking action.

How do you take action in your life. And assume ownership of how it’s turning out per the decisions you are making?

Wishcasting Wednesday via @starshyne


There is a Wednesday Wishcasting happening (find it here) it’s a good day for that. Realign with my intentions, not only of the day, but of life.

With the recent realizations that have been occurring, and the acknowledgement of the affects my limitations have had on those around me, and the subsequent monsters that have been created (not just under the bed, but within souls), the wish I wish this day is essential.

Today I wish for inner peace within my home. Peace, stability, patience, understanding and love. I guess that’s a few wishes. But peace may be the first answer. Peace with resentment, peace with bitterness, peace with the soul so that the monster can shed it’s hideousness and have its beauty revealed.