If you were asked to name all the things you love, how long would it be before you named yourself?
Things in my life have been happening in a quick succession. There have been a few really big shifts that drastically change life. Leaving the corporate world and entering the life of a gypsy with my beau (gypsy in relation to an almost-hermit that had a strict schedule, anyway) has changed so much of my day-to-day reality. My life has shifted and continues to evolve into this beautiful tapestry. It’s not perfect, it has holes, missed stitches, and the such. But it’s my life and I’ve loved watching the moments unfold.
But I’ve been watching, not participating. I’ve been keeping a safe enough distance around myself and remaining just under total excitement. Maybe I was scared of it all being ripped from me. Maybe I didn’t trust how phenomenal and amazing some aspects of my life were manifesting. Maybe I was nervous about ruining it all. Who knows.
But I suddenly found myself in San Diego for the night with my beloved on my right, an old friend from college on my left, a newer friend next to her, and a few soon-to-be friends a few rows behind. We were watching a band that I had been hearing about for over a decade casually, and intensely for the last few years. They are one of those bands about whom you hear of life-changing stories. They are powerful and brilliant. They provide a visual and auditory feast. The entire experience is gorgeous and engulfing.
Part way through the show, during the part where Alex Grey’s artwork syncs with the music in the most perfect of ways, my beloved leans over to me and whispers, “You know that guy (Alex Grey). You’ve had brunch with that guy. You’re performing Glowga & Gongs at CoSM (this home/visual artist sanctuary) this summer.” And I smiled, and said yes. Somehow, out of the thousands of fans in that auditorium, life-long and new…somehow it’s a true statement about me. And it’s unbelievable.
After that show, I felt uncomfortable. Something had shifted within and I didn’t know what, and am only just beginning to scratch the surface of the revolution that had occurred. But after much thinking, meditating, analyzing and the such, I had the thought that I was celebrating and enjoying the events in which I was participating, but I wasn’t celebrating myself as a participator/contributor in the events, or at least that’s the thought that I’m currently mulling over. It’s part being shy, part being socially awkward, part just being a wee bit mental. Analyzing and observing the moment doesn’t necessarily translate to experiencing the moment. Wondering what the best thing to say is isn’t the same thing as speaking. I’ve had all of these amazing experiences and I’ve either spent so much time observing or analyzing that I’ve missed out on some of the experiencing, mainly, the experiencing of myself. I can go deeper into the experience, draw it more into my being and integrate myself. I’m not even entirely sure what that means. And I’m sure it means something different to you than to me and all that jazz.
What I do know is this changed me…and that I have this thought in my head that I want to start celebrating being me.
Twirling round with this familiar parable
Spinning, weaving round each new experience
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing
A chance to be alive and breathing