An honest conversation about how I look and how I think

I was having a conversation with my beloved and it brought into awareness a struggle I am having about how I am am viewed. I was communicating to him my need to feel smart and to feel heard I guess. About my need to have a conversation where I can explore thoughts I am having and to decide if I am full of shit or a fucking genius. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in between ­čÖé

I had said something about not wanting to hear about my body but rather about the quality of my thoughts. And in this conversation it occurred to me the confusing message I may be delivering to people. You see I care how I look. I craft it, I think about it, I take it into consideration. I’m a very visual person so not only do I want to wear things that are visually pleasing to my eye, the artist in me wants to explore the boxes and challenge them. Not that I’m crazy stylish or anything like that mind you, but I do think about what I wear and how I present myself. And most the time what I look like describes how I’m feeling on the inside. For example, I know when I’ve been working out, when I’ve been eating right, when I’ve been cooking for myself. It shows on the outside. My body is a direct reflection of how I feel and how I am living my life. It represents the quality of my life in a specific moment. The fitter I am, the more I am loving myself.

I think in crafting this image of myself I’ve begun to lose the intellectual side of me. I don’t have the discussions and the dialogs in the class environment that I had growing up. One of the things that I love the most in life is getting into conversations with people. I like to get their thoughts, like to hear their opinions, and I like to merge or mingle or contrast that with my own. It’s one of my favorite ways to connect with people. My smalltalk, is not strong. I like to dive deep down into the hidden stuff pretty quickly. I want to hear about how your life is and how is this discussion, and is it impactful? I have this need to make a difference in peoples lives and I feel like I can do that better with discussion and dialogue. It’s one of my favorite reasons to be a yoga teacher. Be a guide for people. I love hearing when something I said in class causes a shift. I read and I take in ideas a lot and I like to present them to people. I share things that have blown my mind. And maybe they’re impactful and maybe not. But I like to share regardless.

Growing up, my classes were full of philosophical ponderings and seminars. This discussion I had with my beloved, I guess it just made me realize how much I miss that type of environment. The ability to connect on a deeper level with people. Our lives can get so busy and so damn full of the innocuous and the mundane. And we may forget about the deeper connections with our friends and family and people around us. I have been trying to make an effort to slow down and to open up the space so that I can connect with people on that level. This conversation has made me realize how much I need that. That is something I need regularly in my life.

And the ironic and hypocritical thing about it, is that growing up in high school and junior high and what not I’m sure I would’ve loved to have been complimented on my physical self. My younger self definitely would be slapping my current self in the face right now for complaining about getting complemented on my physical self. I grew up a bit overweight and always wearing soccer clothes. My appearance was not something I cared about.

But it is now. Whatever happens in my subconscious manifests in my conscious mind and in my physical environment. I have zero poker face. If I feel like shit, I’m sure I look like shit too. But I want to connect on all aspects of myself. Not just the gross and superficial. I want to connect deeper with my beloved, my friends, my family. I want to get to know the people in my yoga classes and connect with them on an emotional level so that I can help guide their yoga practice to place of creativity and healing.

i’ve been reading a lot on the news lately trying to figure out what’s happening in this world. And overall it really saddens me. I’ve been reading so much about wars about anger about frustration. But I want to see the beauty in people too. And the way that I see that is through connecting with them on an emotional level. Talking to them about their dreams and aspirations. Even walking that dangerous road and talking about spirituality and religion. That I fucking love. I love hearing your thoughts and new ideas to be able to expand my own consciousness. My beloved is one of the most amazing and smartest people I know and in ways I simply am not. I want to get into his head and figure out what he’s thinking and why. And I want to share my side of things complete picture can be formed and maybe, just maybe I can help expand consciousness.

And yes I want to do that while still hearing about how awesome my style is or how great my hair looks. My friend makes the amazing hats that I wear or the arm warmers that I wear, and I love bragging about my hairdresser and how awesome she makes my hair look. I love talking about the shoes that my sister gave me or the outfits my mom buys me. I still love that side of things. I love bragging about how my beloved makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. And I Love and adore connecting with people. Dancing in and with their energy. Sharing mine and commingling. Connecting with the beautiful side of humanity.

I guess I want it all. Body mind soul. I want to hear the beat of your heart, the cadence of your breath, the rhythm of your soul. I want to hear and dance to your song. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. I want to talk about your shadow self. I want you to challenge my ideas and walk me through the understanding process. I want to discard old ideas and create new ones. I want to buy you a shot and talk about the transformative and healing dream you just had. I could go on and on.

And I love my beloved for always helping me to understand how my complaints can grow my awareness. That saying what I am upset about can help me see what I’m needing and what I value most. We are always growing and we are always learning. And it’s important to accept that and give ourselves empathy and those around us empathy as we struggle to find a successful way to communicate and to connect. But I continue to try. To do my best. And to speak with truth and non-violence. To hear and to consider. To love.

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Living an artistic life

DesignALifeYouLove

I was chatting with my friend the other day about how much I dislike laundry. I actually have that conversation frequently. It’s one of my least favorite activities…right up there along any other cleaning-related ┬áideas. I’m not a fan of it so I rarely carve out space to do it and then it ends up just on my dresser and not in my dresser. At any rate, I had found myself in that situation of having laundry all around my room and just being frustrated. Obviously this is a perpetual problem and is something I’ve been aware of since…probably since I’ve been doing my own laundry. LOL, come on, don’t judge, I can’t be the only one out there that dislikes cleaning that much. So, I’m talking to her about it (amongst conversations of biocentrism and chakra energy) and she says to me, you just got to say fuck it and do it. Stop thinking about it and just do it. My response was something like, I’m not a Nike commercial, there are other things I’d much rather be doing. And she said, I know, trust me, I know. But I also know, and tell myself, that it’s helping my future self to do it now.

And it kind of blew my mind. Yep, just do it. Just get it over with so you don’t have to worry about it in the future. Such an easy solution. And I realized I was giving something so small and inconsequential too much power. So, I left work, went home and I wish I could say I just did it…just got the cleaning over with and the laundry over with, but I totally didn’t. I sat down on my couch and picked up the book on Dharma Art I was reading. And I shit you not, one of the first things I read was about how Dharma Art isn’t just about making masterpieces of art, it’s hardly about that at all actually. It’s about making your life your art, living artistically and coming from a beautiful and clear space so that everything you do is art, the way you put down your coffee mug, the way you do your laundry, the way you…<<<WTF? Really? The way I do my laundry?

If you want to become an artist and you want to have the best of everything, you can’t just have it. You have to start by paying attention to reality. You need to learn to eat properly, to cook properly, to clean your house or your room, to work with your clothes. You need to work with your basic reality. Then you go beyond that, and you begin to have something much more substantial. And beyond that, you actually begin to produce a master artistic world altogether. – Chogyam Trungpa

 

So I sat there. And sat there. And then a voice in my head said fuck it, and I just got up and put my laundry away. Hardly took anytime and I felt so much better afterward. But it’s not just about doing it. I mean, it can be, but then that feeling of resentment and irritation is allowed to exist and fester. That was the motivational point for me that night for sure, just fucking do it already. But I want to transform that into something beautiful. Not necessarily visually, but so it feels beautiful. And again, not just the action of doing it, but in how I feel while doing it. So while I was putting my laundry away, I tried to view it as an art project. How would I shift my perspective, how shall I smile with grace…can I turn it into something beautiful. I’m not sure I actually succeeded, but I did my best to not have a mantra of, I hate laundry, I hate cleaning, and more of a my environment is important to me and I want to nurture my environment. I want to nurture my environment as much as I want to nurture my soul, my friends, my family, my beloved. And that helped me make it in art. (As a side note, it was also interesting that I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and upon realizing my dishwasher was clean, just quickly put the dishes away. Smile on my face, body swaying to the beat of the music…a byproduct of approaching my room as a work of art. Hopefully that’s a sign that as you bring that perspective into one activity, it will slowly expand to more and more activities.)

And how often is much of our life that way? There are certain things we do that we do beautifully, artistically. And there are the other things we do that are ┬áhandled with much less grace and too much aggression (in Dharma Art, anything done with aggression is not art. Aggression is seen as a bit of the anti-art element). I brought this concept into my yoga class and it’s so easy so see the energy shift from poses we love to poses we don’t so much enjoy. The muscles in our face clench, our shoulders rise, the aggression is obvious. Just as it’s obviously serene when we dance and flow through postures we love and that feel juicy. Living artistically, approaching everything, even the most mundane of things, like laundry, is a challenge. It takes a developed discipline. It’s a challenge to come from a space of calm clarity, non-judgement and just being purely observational. I think this is especially a challenge when having unpleasant conversations with people who tend to anger quick and their words quickly become mean and harmful. In those situations staying calm isn’t always enough and I haven’t figured out how to dharmically approach those situations. But I hope to…to be able to gracefully converse, even about difficult stuff, to come from a place of satya (truth) and ahimsa (nonviolence). Dharma art is awareness, of self, of the world, of all of the gorgeous phenomena happening in our little nook of the universe.

“Awareness practice is not just sitting meditation or meditation-in-action alone. it is a unique training practice in hose to behave as an inspired human being. That is what is meant by being an artist.” -Chogyam Trungpa

So┬átake a moment to consider yourself as an artist. I am a believer that we are co-creators of our lives. I usually think in terms of law of attraction, what you put out you get back, and all of those ideas. I truly believe that you can manifest your intentions if coming from the right space. Dharma Art encourages us to go next level and to not just be a co-creator, but BE a work of art. Live as if you are a work of art. It’s not just about putting out the outlines of life into the ether, but also about adding the color to every detail of life. I tend toward visual art, but even consider your life as a symphony, the way the notes flow and merge and caress the ears, touching your heart, making you weep tears of joy and beauty. Or a succulent meal you are cooking that makes your mouth water, your stomach growl…Find something you naturally do and love and is your art, and then approach everything, your whole life, in the same manner.

Let go of aggression, of judgement, of self-hate…You are the artist and the work of art. Your life is art. Live life artistically.

 

 

Conversations…about Chakras

A lovely conversation about chakras:

Not Me

don’t really believe in chakras but i do believe in the mental clarity and neural pathway realignment that comes with meditation.

Me

why don’t you believe in chakras?

because it’s just a philosophical construct.

they’re not real. they’re more like metaphors for our own personal dramas and how to overcome them.

Me

it’s one of those things science is finally getting around to having the instruments to detect them

Kundalini and chakras are things I am actually really strong in feeling about.

Not Me

how do you know?

(not being argumentative, just genuinely curious)

Me

Have you ever read the studies about a group of people praying/meditating for a sick person in a hospital far away, without that person knowing, and that person’s health improves?

Not Me

i saw it in a documentary…something about that.

Me

It’s things like that that encourage me to believe in Chakras

Not Me

so, in your words, what do you think chakras are?

Me

And my own experiences

Wow. here’s an analogy that I just thought of, and I want to play with it so I’ll share it with you…

You’ve heard of the three blind men and the elephant analogy?

Not Me

ok

um…

no

Me

Incredibly abridged version: three blind guys come up on an elephant, one feels the leg says, wrinkly, hairy, strudy. Another feels the ear and says, no way, flimpsy, soft maleable, another feels the trunk and is like, no way, long, thin, hollow, muscular…you get the idea of how those three different parts, when isoloated, are completely different

but it’s still part of a bigger whole?

Not Me

ok yeah

Me

One of my favorite lines from the Person Letters, also in the same vein, says, “If God is truly so omnipotent as we say, how can one of our religions truly cover the entire scope of that omnipotence? Is it possible that each religion highlights an aspect of said omnipotence?”

still with me?

Not Me

ok sure… “all ways lead to the Way”. I read that in a book.

Me

probably a Tao book, lol

Taoist

Not Me

it was fiction but yeah, the character was based on a taoist monk

Me

Ha! Totally fucking called it

So, track with me.

Instead of god, think of our body

we have energy, right, you do believe that we have energy

and are made up of vibrations and energy, yes?

Not Me

yes

vibrations are energy resonating

Me

And would you agree that humans are multi-faceted individuals that has a large internal dynamic and external expressions?

tons of different moods, perspectives, thoughts, etc?

Not Me

yep.

Me

And we go through a ton of different transitions in life, yes? Different areas grow at different times, Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, and the such, yes?

Not Me

don’t know what that is necessarily but yes.

Me

Never heard of Maslows Hierarchy of needs?

Not Me

mmmno

Me

Not Me

oh ok yes

Me

Okay, let’s bring it back to chakras, lol

we are a being of energy

that is multi-faceted

Not Me

like a 12-side die

in dungeons and dragons

lol

jk

carry on

Me

so why not have different energy centers that focus on certain facets, that specialize in certain facets, instead of a free for all, that all contribute to the larger whole (bring back in the elephant) so that similar vibrations vortex with similar vibrations…bring in the rainbow here and you get the various frequencies of vibrations pulsing to produce color, those same colors relate to the chakras as well

and then bring in Maslow’s triangle, which also tracks with the chakras

why, if we are intellegent beings, would our energy not separate into sub energies to focus on different aspects.

Not Me

there’s a storm going on in my brain. please hold.

Conversations…what is your religion

I have amazing conversations and want to share:)

 

Not me

ah, so here’s a thought for you that i had last night along the lines of our discussion last week about fate/universe. What is it about fate/universal intervention and supernatural beliefs that are so appealling to humans? I mean, god/universe/religion, what-have-you are so ingrained in the human psyche that people who are atheists generally *become* atheists.. they generally are not born atheists. (again, using generally here, as i know there are some people who are raised by atheists and continue to be atheist). but atheists, in the truest sense of the word, don’t believe in any sort of religion, any sort of soul or spirit or metaphysical guiding force, anything that isn’t the physical world and its vast and astonishing manifestations. so what is it about divine intervention, supernatural beliefs that is so appealing to humans? i mean throughout our relatively short history on earth, humans have used supernatural beliefs/religion to explain phenomena. now though, we have science and proven facts that show us why things happen. (why the sun sets, why people get sick, etc).

i think it is because the thought of us standing on a rock hurling itself through space and looking up at the vast amount of infinite space above us reminds us of our own mortality. of our own fragile existence. and this of course, is terrifying. why not make some shit up about how everything that happens to us happens for a reason? or believing in a higher power that actually cares about what happens to us is like putting on a warm cozy sweater in the rain. the rain of the infinite abyss we call life on a planet amidst a billion other planets and an infinite amount of emptiness.

hmm. just some thoughts.

but to me at least, it’s like we’re wearing blinders when we get caught up in religion/fate/universal intervention. people say things happen for a reason. but how do you know? we don’t ever get to know that reason. it’s so egocentric, that statement. we’re wearing blinders that make us feel better. we’re not facing the reality that holy shit man, we are creatures that shouldn’t be. that came about through millions of years of evolution and somehow, someway, we’re still fucking here. we deserve some fucking credit, not some higher power or infinite cosmic go-go juice.

Me

Okay, first of all, LOVE this. Second, for the most part I agree.

It makes us feel better, gives us a reason and a purpose. Justification and leaves some of the accountability off of us.

what do you believe?

Not me

I consider myself more agnostic. i’m on the verge of atheist but atheists BELIEVE there is no god/higher power/soul. so i consider myself agnostic because I just don’t know.

plus, it’s a very comforting thought that there is something out there that we cannot see or touch that actually cares about these creatures on this far flung rock of a planet. however, if we ever learn that there isn’t, i won’t be devastated.

doubt is my religion. ­čÖé

what about you?

 Me

I think I am scientifically, energetically spiritual

I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in an external god

I believe in energy

and the laws of energy…so things happen for a reason. Well, yeah, because of energy, law of attraction, what you put out you get back, etc.

Not Me

energy can be quantified. and electromagnetic energy has been tested and proven to emanate from the heart. EM energy can do a lot.

Me

exactly

so I believe in that

so, there’s internal energy and external energy but it’s all still just energy reacting the way it’s supposed to

we have the power to shift our energy and I hold that very sacred so it gives me some purpose, some reason, a semblance of control

and the idea that we are all one/connected is very, spiritual to me I guess

it’s easy to forget that, especially when people are such assholes.

Me

which in turns makes us an asshole

respond to like with like, right?

law of attraction ish

And let’s add on to that

I do believe meditation and psychs can open portals. I don’t think we are alone

in this form, sure

but some of the experiences I’ve had, and the idea of our ego getting a little out of control to think we are the only ones

Not Me

ah, and that is where the wise decision is made to not take things personally. because yeah, meditation and such can open up “doors”, shape our brains, our personalities. to realize that we are eternal energy. this form is just temporary

Me

which is still equally as amazing and sacred

So, it’s interesting. I’m very “yoga” in thought and have been loving using science to back it up

so again, god? no

at least with the traditional definitions of god. a shift is happening so god becomes universe/energy…but I have a sour taste in my mouth with that word

yes! i love meditation and yoga for this reason. science has proven that these things are very good for mind and body.

exactly. god, by definition is something that overpowers us. we cannot shape. even though man invented “god”. i laugh when people worry about what happens after death. my dad sent an email out to all his kids a while back that said he was worried that we weren’t going to church, we weren’t practicing catholics because he worries about where we will go after death. well, if he was actually paying attention, and IF (a HUGE IF) there is actually a god and jebus and such, there is no hell for people to go to. god is seen as merciful to them. so why worry? it makes no sense to me. I just laugh at the trivial comedy of it all.

i just realize that paragraph may not have been easy to understand. in any case. LOL.

Me

so…question

Read two of your statements:

If this statement:

we cannot shape. even though man invented “god”.

Then how this statement:

plus, it’s a very comforting thought that there is something out there that we cannot see or touch that actually cares about these creatures on this far flung rock of a planet. however, if we ever learn that there isn’t, i won’t be devastated.

Do you see what I’m saying?

If man created god then there isn’t something out there that cares.

But wait.

What if we really did? Think about it energetically, is it possible that the energy of all of the mythologies, theologies, panthologies, etc that humans have been investing in/exploring/intending created the permeating energy…shit, thoughts aren’t synapsing over here…

mmmm

 Not me

hmmm… so if man created god, man is god. hahaha mwwahahahaha

*evil laugh*

Me

Man is Frankenstien…

Creation is stronger than the creator

 Not me

ooo i like that one

Quantum Mechanics check in

I remember in high school reading the Wu Li Masters┬áand being baffled by it. My young mind couldn’t quite grasp and retain the concepts that were being suggested. As I grow older and my beloved is one of a linear mindset and always reveling in the beauty of this vast universe, I find myself being drawn into Quantum Mechanics. I’m still barely scratching the surface, but one of the thoughts that has emerged revolves around the chakra systems (obviously).

Wouldn’t quantum mechanics provide the foundation for establishing the truth of the chakra system? If QM finds that atoms are vortices of energy, constantly spinning and vibrating, each with a unique energy signature, it could be suggested that the chakras are actually key identifiers in our truest self, that we are that holistic entanglement of immaterial energy waves and centers that radiate from the chakra centers. The quarks and photons that make up an atom emit strange energies…perhaps energies of the chakra they are aligned with. Yoga already suggests that we are light and energy and this notion further supports that idea. Just like the idea of a multiverse, bringing that internally (as many around me discuss), we’re just tons and tons of vortex’s working symbiotically in concert with each other and perhaps, creating bigger vortex’s as their vibrations mix and mingle. Each chakra is aligned with a color and a sound associated with the frequency of the waves that are produced from the chakra vortex. Therefore we’d all be a rainbow of light and a symphony of sounds that are too delicate perhaps for us to observe with the naked eye.

None of that really helps me to explain the disconnect between observable physical reality and the suggested truest reality of vibrational existence. This of course warrants more exploration on my part as I’m sure there are tons of scientists out there working through this exact thought if it hasn’t been established already. I realized after a comment from my beloved the other day that I still don’t consider the earth to be rotating but the sun to be revolving. I realize intellectually that that’s what is happening, but on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment existence, I don’t think about it. I live in the world I see and perceive. I know I need to take a step into the depths of exploration to really cement the bigger and more vast concepts that have toyed with me sine the Wu Li Masters. To truly dive into the Kundalini I need to take a step out of the known physical reality and start to develop an understanding of the other suggestion notions. Get my head out of the books and into the stars in some ways. These ideas are so beautiful and I am missing out on them as I choose to walk the banks of the ocean of being. As Tool, Alex Grey and the such enter and broaden my experiential world, it is my responsibility, I owe it to myself, to wrap my mind around them as well. To think, to ask, to consider…the neocortex area of our brains allows us to explore the divine, the self as the divine and to be fully present in existence.

At any rate, I am sure I can synapse a few thoughts and begin to map out in my minds eye this Indra’s Net of being.

If anyone has any suggested readings, I would love to hear about them.

 

Me and my Chakras
Me and my Chakras

Conversations…Being Cocreators

Potential

I have a lot of amazing conversations with friends…and I’d like to share ­čÖé

Not Me:
expand on that thought about being cocreators.

does that make sense?

Not Me:

yes!

we are active parts of the universe. made of star stuff. i agree with that. we are creators of our own worlds.

but the universe plays a role still. ok. i can get behind that. but i don’t get behind the whole fate thing. however, i do believe we each have our own purpose in this blip of a nanosecond in universe time that we call life.

but some people, if not most, fail to reach that purpose. or fully realize it?

Me

It’s my attempt at trying to blend fate and free will, the universal whole and the individual self, and in so many ways, from my rudimentary understanding, the metaphor of Indra’s Net.

how do you separate the universe playing a role and fate?

Not Me:

fate is fixed. the universe can play a role, but ultimately the self has the final say.

Me

what kinds of activities to which are you referrencing?

viz…

you were just in a car accident and paralyzed from the waist down, was that the self having the final say?

Not Me:

nope, but the final say is how you react.

Me

so how do you distinguish between the activies of universe and self?

and, how do you know the universe didn’t set you up with the ability to react in a certain way

Not Me:

and there’s the kicker.

Me

and in fact how do you know the universe didn’t want to send you down a specific path via a specific incident that all depended on your reaction, and if you didn’t react the way to lead you down your path then similar incidents keep happening?

Not Me:

we are all beings of the universe. to differentiate is to diminish the universe itself. i’m just spewing thoughts now. but see, fate is different than universe happenings, if you will.

Me

well, again, I struggle with being a part of and separate from the universe simultaneously. we are one, energetically and mathematically and scienticially, but individual artists of the expression of life

i don’t know, I just made that up, spewing thoughts as you said

Not Me:

i like that. i get that. but yeah, i think that’s the definition of the human condition.

but my logical mind still will not let me believe in fate, or an unseen outside force pulling strings.

Me

well, despite it all, and all that we think, and that we are all made of star stuff, we’re still human beings in this manifestation

Oh, I don’t see it as pulling on strings, though I do adore the Wyrd Sisters

Not Me:

hahaha

greek mythology, ftw

Me

I even dressed up as Clotho for halloween one time

Not Me:

did you??

i can totally see that

Me

yeah, no one got it

Not Me:

peons.

Me

haha. Normals

Think about it in terms of fractals

Not Me:

how so

Me

of mathematical, logical systems at play

Not Me:

?

ok….

Me

or even through chemistry

take the abstract out of it

lay it down with numbers

chemical bonds right, two elements are bound to bond due to their properties, yes

?

Not Me:

yes

Me

different bonds for different situations

Not Me:

ok

Me

our bodies are just bonding with other bodies, as fate would have it, due to our chemical make up

Not Me:

ok but where does “fate would have it” come in? random occurences aren’t so much random as a calculated event?

Me

and just for the record, I’m toying with this idea for me too, I’ve never thought this out before like this, lol

so fate is what gave us our chemical inclinations

and perhaps fate is what generates the bond

take gryoscopes

that thing will spin on an apex (forgetting the technical term) for a long time, spinning into gravity going and going and slowly making a circle down as force slows

but someone needs to pull the string

to start the motion

Not Me:

ahhhh

Me

ahhh yeah or ahh no?

I’m just synapsing thoughts here

Not Me:

so maybe fate isn’t a pulling of the strings but more a slight breeze of outer influence….influencing (lack of a better word) certain events that we can choose how to react to.

Me

Exactly…it’s not god…the pulling of strings is so greek mythology. the idea that they play with us and we’re just marionettes.

I love the slight breeze of outer influence

Not Me:

however, we are still in control. no matter what we do or where we go, how can one say that fate had anything to do with it? is it just an easy way to try to understand things which we do not understand? to put a simple term like fate on something that we do not quite understand is… minimizing i think.

however, i think anything we say and think about the universe is minimizing. how can we understand infinite? our meat bag brains won’t let us. hmmm….

Me

yeah, that’s paradoxical…if got is omnipotent can he create a rock that’s too heavy for him to lift

Montesque said it amazingly, IMO, when he said that all aspects of what we think are true b/c it is so vast and infinite and we are so miniscule how can one comprehend

he probably would have agreed to the meat bag brains usage too ­čÖé

Not Me:

hahaha!

Me

isn’t saying that we are in control insulting to the universe that is so infinite though?

Not Me:

parodoxical! that’s the word i was looking for

Me

if we are so small, how can we have the audacity to think we are in control

Not Me:

but we are the universe.

Me

if we are the universe are we still meat bags?

Not Me:

and now we go back to the self/universal being.

Me

exactly

Not Me

ha! i like our chats

Me

Me too ­čÖé

Before I was a yoga instructor, I was human

Do you know that yoga instructors are human too?

Stepping in front of a class I open myself up to the universe, allowing the energy to flow through me, for words to delicately escape my lips. They aren’t premeditated. ┬áLike asana, they flow through me and into the classroom. Sometimes they resonate with you, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they take you to places you need to journey to, allowing you to deepen into your self, slipping into the primordial being you are, the eternal soul self. Sometimes I’m garrulous, sometimes I let you sit with the voice of your vitality.

Do you know that we have bad days too?

I watch people flow, observing their chakras and recognizing where energy is blocked, where you are holding your tension and stress. I bring the connective energy into my hands and allow it to caress you, to soften you, to release you from what’s holding you back. I try to encourage you to dive to your depths, find your edge, physically, mentally, energetically. To be aware of where you are and what you are battling or enjoying at that moment.

Do you know that we cry too?

As I guide, I offer concepts, ideas, perspectives for you to ponder. An alternative reality in this multiverse we reside in. I offer juicy ways to nurture your self, and the idea that you can heal your wounds and step into the effulgent of the sacred. I encourage you to transform the bilious into the precious, or at least to breathe through it and watch what surfaces.

Do you know we aren’t perfect?

So many things happen in the yoga studio. The divine is touched, energy becomes palpable, we dance with existence. The gorgeous interactions and manifestations of the yoga practice are intense and at times emotional. The class is about you, not me. I step out of my self so I can be a conduit. I leave my issues, my drama, my shit out of the studio so we can focus on your issues, your drama and your shit. But please don’t forget that I am human, that I have issues, and I have bad days/weeks. I try to not bring that into the yoga studio, and often times I try not to bring it up at all. Maybe it’s an unfounded fear but I think you will think less of me because I am human. If I’m not always this enlightened individual and show my humanness I think what happens in the yoga studio will lessen. That you won’t want me to be your guide. So I try to hide it, try to silently deal with my humanness on my own. But I am human. And I make mistakes, and I get angry, dramatic and occasionally a bit bitchy. I get hurt quite easily. And sometimes I need a night with my beloved to just cry. I don’t want to show you any of this, but know that it is there. After all, I was born human. And I have human scars. And I cry human tears. And I have human emotions. Thought I would share that with you, in case you didn’t already know.

Yogi Instructors Are Human Too
Yogi Instructors Are Human Too

 

 

 

Shift happens

I’m a bit of a work-a-holic. Not in the “I’m obsessed with my job and do it all the time” kind of work-a-holic. Mainly the kind that suddenly looks around and realizes she is an art director has more responsibilities at work and working more hours, teaches four yoga classes a week, has been kissed by the muse and craves the time to paint and draw, suddenly has a social life from out of nowhere and has some side projects that she’s working on. I even wrote a post about loving my fast-paced life┬áa few weeks ago. Things kept coming up and I was moving along, moving, progressing, learning, breathing in a flurry of new experiences, diving into the unknown of that which I had not yet experienced. But as I was dancing along, I started to twirl, twirl and twirl, letting the blur of movement engulf me and when I tried to focus on one thing, I stumbled. The harder I tried to focus and get my balance, the more I fell. Ungraceful, a little crazy and loving it less as I started to tumble into the hole. That may be hyperbole. But I was stressed and not handling life the way I wanted to. <shrug> Shit Happens.

And then I went to Costa Rica for a yoga retreat.

And there were monkeys
And there were monkeys

And there, Shift Happened.

I was there in my element because I love and adore yoga and I was at a yoga retreat. And I was out of my element b/c I was literally out of my environmental element, and I was unplugged.

An entire week without a computer…without my email…without work…without an iPod…without my Nook (I turned pages, I didn’t tap them)…without my car…without Facebook….without Pinterest…without IM…without my phone…without my cats…without my bed…without my closet…without my stilettos…without my craziness…without my ‘my…’.

And in return for giving all of those up, I was able to watch the eagles soar. The way they dived, turned, breathed across their collarbones opening their hearts to ascend, and then, leading with their gaze dive to descend. I woke up in the mornings with the sun (and a rooster and his cockafuckingdoodle do) and walked down to the beach. I wandered. Ate clean, healthy food. Gazed upon the Lightening Bugs as they danced in the trees. I read and journaled. I went deeper inside and considered the essential over the superfluous. I looked. I listened. I listened to sounds of the ocean and the waves crashing and flowing on the beach. I laughed and had actual face-to-face conversations with friends. I hugged often. I paddle boarded in the middle of the ocean during a storm, drenched from the waves, the rain pattering my face and body, the thunder rumbling in my ears and the sun setting in this fiery red ball and me giggling with joy. I was able to do yoga twice a day, stretching my body, detoxing my muscles, discovering my strength. I meditated often…quieting my mind…observing without judgement, without thought. Experiencing the rawness of no-mind experiences. I walked around in flats and long dresses.

There was hair braiding
There was hair braiding

A shift happened. I let all the stress slip slowly down my shoulders and down my back with every Tadasana, down my hips and legs in every Uttanasana, and drip off my feet with every step I took. And I breathed in my connection to the universe with every Urdhva Mukha Svanasana and rooted deep into the earth with every Adho Mukha Svanasana. I felt and experienced harmony with nature.

It was bliss.

And for a week.

And at the end of the week, people didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to go back home. And totally me too! I mean, shit, it was pretty fucking awesome out there. It was Costa Rica. But ultimately, I was content to go home. I love my life. I just wasn’t loving the stress aspect. And I can change that. I can take the things I adored and felt amazing in while in Costa Rica, those things that helped me to shift and to be open to experiencing shift. I can make small micro-movements in my life and meld or wrap or fuse those shift-causing experiences into my daily, moment-to-moment experience.

There are so many things I came back with but my initial focus will be on enjoying and simplifying my life. Loving the people I surround myself with and enjoying how I live. Cutting back on the clutter that slows me down and creating space. Being aware of what I am eating/drinking and just making healthy decisions. I’ve been talking about meditating for a while now and finally just following through with that and sitting down for at little bit each day and quieting my mind. ┬áAnd trying things. Trying different yoga classes that lend themselves to my practice so I can have a practice. Trying anything (within reason, I’m not going to eat weird things and go skydiving or anything nuts like that) at least once. Even if I don’t like it, I’ve still experienced it.

Shit happens. And then allow Shift to Happen.

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Enjoy and Simplify

Enjoy┬á life. This looks different for everyone. Choose your version. Choose to do things ┬áthat make you happy, that make you smile, that nurture you and things that you need to experience. ┬áSpend time with family and friends, invest time in your life plans. ┬áFind time to┬álove being you. Bring awareness into your actions and intentions, and actually experience them. What’s the favorite part of your day?┬á

Simplify life. Again, this changes from individual to individual. Maybe it’s simplifying your apartment. De-cluttering, organizing…what ever suits you. Maybe learning to say no to invitations that don’t suit you and simplifying your calendar. Maybe it’s simplifying your thoughts. Quieting the voices and their chatter. Or following one line of thinking at a time (AKA meditation, which is also on the list).┬áHow can you simplify your life?

Clean eating

Eat clean, for the most part. Maybe try cooking more, playing with different spices and how they complement the dish and trying new combinations. Perhaps buy fresh produce and limit the microwave.  Creating a balance of foods and really just bringing awareness to what you bring into your body. Learning what you need and listening to your body. Learning what foods do what so you know their benefits and why you are eating them.

Meditate

It’s difficult to start a practice for many reasons but in part because you don’t know just how fabulous it is to have a meditation practice until you’ve experienced one. It’s difficult to make it a priority without first feeling and experiencing the effects of meditation. Try to quiet the mind. A seated meditation practice is obviously recommended, but it could be easier to start in a different spot. Focus on one task at a time. Quiet the voices that are leading your mind astray to to do lists, people to text, distractions that are dividing your focus. This kind of focus, in its own way, is meditation. You can also focus on your breath whenever you need to take a moment from life. So many different ways to incorporate meditation that don’t involve sitting on a cushion “Om-ing” Discover what, if anything, works for you.

Try it

I love yoga. So I say try it, experience it, find a class and just try it. Try a few different types if you have time. If you don’t enjoy it, if you simply aren’t interested in it, then don’t do it. It’s okay if it’s not for you. It’s okay if any of this stuff I am offering up for consideration doesn’t work for you. I’m speaking from my experience.What have you tried? What works for you? You don’t know until you try right? So try everything, even just once, so you know whether you like it or not. Even if you don’t like something, at least you’ve experienced it.

 

 

a Tidal Conversation

Waves splashing, water rolling at my feet.
My soul begins to weep.
Darkness deepens, silence is feigned
My ego simply stains
Fear streaks
Confidence is weak
I look to the night sky and scream
Lightening flashes, the horizon beams
As though I’m in a dream.
My soul grumbles so the world rumbles and whispers softly to me:
“You are worthy. Work on your energy and there you will find synergy.”
A smile caresses my face for I’ve had just enough taste
To trust in my Ajna and swim.
In the sea of intention
In the stream of consciousness
In the ocean of my life
Hands to heart I bow my head
In the deepest of respect and gratitude.
I turn around and walk back to the beach steeped in fortitude.
I sigh my thanks and walk the steps,
Glistening with the divine.

It’s a fast-paced life, for me.

We read all the time about how a fast-paced life is bad for us. How we need to be more mindful and move slowly through life. That if we feel stressed out there something wrong with our life and the decisions we have made.

But I’m calling bullshit on that.

I like my fast-paced life. I choose to live a fast-paced life every single day. I get stressed out. I feel like there’s not enough time in the day. I am running from one thing to another. And I love it. And yeah I talk shit and complain. I’m enjoying a human element of knowing what stress is, knowing that I have the power to change it, but knowing that I enjoy the little adrenaline rush I get from it. And ironically, knowing that I like this like stress and invite the stress, kind of stresses me out a little less.

Don’t get me wrong, things seem to be a little extra stressful right now, and a bit extra busy at work, but my routine is the same. I love waking up in the morning when I do. I love when I wake up and do the stair stepper while checking my email. I enjoy being an art director and all the responsibilities and stresses and things that come with that job. I love that I spend all day rushing to meet deadlines and working the nonprofit life because the results of my stress maybe, just maybe, are helping to save a life somewhere. And then I love rushing to shut down my computer and drive to the yoga studio where people trust me to guide their yoga practice.

I knowingly choose this.

Sometimes it’s that stress that makes me feel alive. Makes me feel connected. Helps me reach my goals and be more productive with my life. I do more and accomplish more when I have the most to do. And I’m not talking spreadsheets or data analysis…I paint more, I read more, I meditate more, I do more yoga. These things become crucial in a fast-paced life.

I run around all day. Having meetings, designing projects, ADDing on Pinterest, guiding yoga and my heart races wondering if I will survive. I IM my friend and tweak out b/c I have so many things to do on my to do list. Sometimes I cry to let that frustration and fear out. My head is a whirlwind of voices and demands.

But I love it.

I feel that pulsing energy rush through me as I teach my vinyasa flow, carefully paying attention to each student, striving to help them have the best experience possible. Their smiles and their sighs let me know that my stress is serviceable.

And when I finally walk through my door at night, I let out a deep sigh. All of that stress from the day is dropped at my doorstep, to be picked up on my way out. But in my home, I slow down, feeling and embodying the balance, the yin to my day’s yang. I get into my own element, into my own soul, and stretch my body free of the stress, artistically express what my soul still has to say, and I quiet into myself. Here, art is for me. Here, the yoga is for me. Here, I am for me.

But it’s knowing how much I do during the day, all of the stress and rushing around, that helps me truly appreciate when I slow down and take time for me.

It’s a fast-paced life, for me.