Paranoid

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Mind scattering in a myriad of directions. Heart racing to a demanding beat. Confidence crumbling. Energy deteriorating. Worry and paranoia take over and you’ve suddenly puddled into a murky, slimey, pool of human consciousness. What began as a detail has escalated into a whirlwind of outrageous possibilities and you are blinded by the fear of what could go wrong.

“All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy. Think I’ll lose my mind if I don’t find something to pacify.  Can you help me occupy my brain?” Ozzy/Black Sabbath

Not an invalid consideration. Life twists and twirls us at times, like a marionette across a stage, we are at times flung to the furthest reaches of what we think we can handle. When we are in the depths of such despair we brood, we become anxious, we concentrate on that which can go wrong. And then things start to go wrong and we spiral out of any comprehension of positivity and the shit hits the fan. Most of us have been here. We know of the trials and tribulations of being stuck in a pattern of demise. Some of us get stuck in our heads so deeply all we see is a convoluted mess of the future. But! Worry is wasted imagination.

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Our thoughts help create our reality. Not only in our perception of our companions on our journey and the events unveiling around us, but also in our moods and emotions that orbit our activities. Our thoughts influence our experiences.

Most of us are going to worry, and there is little we can do about completely letting go of the gnawing sense of dread. What we can do is shift worry into imagination. Shift the paranoia into something more productive. Shift it into the place of healthy intention. Create a mantra that resonates within you and fills you with calm. Color your thoughts with possible amazing outcomes, as surreal as they may seem, and excite your soul. Stop choosing to waste your precious time in that human suit by ruminating on the negative. Instead imagine your life the way you dream it to be, allow your beautiful mind to circulate around the amazing, and start living the life of your own design.

Crows and Coconuts pt. 3 It Didn’t matter

ResponsibleEnergy

So, there were crows flying around landing on branches perhaps influencing the coconuts fall to the ground, but the story didn’t end there.

It said it didn’t matter if the crow was responsible or if it was just the coconuts time to fall. It. Didn’t. Matter.

I had spent hours in my head looking for the cause and effect, looking for the reason. In a state of shock I went in search of the crows, I wanted the why behind such a life-changing incident of such magnitude…without warning, everything changed. Considering all of the why’s of the situation, I left the ground and lived in that state of surreal suspension of the coconut, of suspended gravity looking at every incident in my life as a timeless orb on Indra’s Net. The orbs are as endless as are the connections. I saw so many paths being traced, simultaneously, that brought me to the point of my father’s death and the possible effects of it. I could see the weaver of fates’ (Moirai, Norns, Shai, Gaia, Spirit, God) imprint in my web of life, that beautiful tapestry that is the graphic novel of my life.

And in that suspension I tried to read it.

My beloved gave me a gong bath where I experienced an initiation of sorts in the mysteries of the world. I journeyed through the timeless portals and tunnels of the upper chakras, connecting with the universe in all its varieties and expanses, and danced around the ancient fires of the lower ones. I entered a space of contemplation where I heard my Dad laugh at the thought of bringing my tarantula home and how much my mom was going to not like it. I literally heard him laugh and kind of poke at me to get me to laugh, and I did, I had a little giggle. I felt  love. I went to my Shaman and deepened my journey into the mysteries. I experienced lava flowing and a silent journey on the river Styx beside my dad. I went to Red Rocks shows dancing under the stars of time and experienced such a gamut of emotions. Brit Floyd got me bad as it was the music of my dad. I started to imagine where he was in his life when he was listening to Pink Floyd and imagined the soldier, the man in Thailand during the Vietnam War. Of him, skinny, bald and incorrigible.  So I got a giggle when I felt my knee bending to a beat I couldn’t really hear, but have seen my Dad rock quite frequently. It was an involuntary movement for the duration of  a song and I laughed as I realized that I was dancing the dance of my father…and then I wept when I Wished He Was Here.

I searched for crows and I searched for coconuts. I was a crow and I was a coconut. I was bathed in possible connections, I was a fly caught in a spider web. The only thing of which I was certain was that there was going to be a transformation. And that was the point of the crow and the coconut story.Be responsible for the energy you bring.

We can’t know the why. We can have an inkling and we can think we know, and maybe we’re right and maybe we’re partially right and maybe we are waaaay off base. It’s simply part of the journey of being human. We ask questions, we search for answers, we make calculations to determine what truths we think we can, we search our selves and listen to our intuition and cultivate faith in what we feel. It made me start considering the quality of my actions. And being responsible for the energy I bring. I don’t want to be angry about it. I don’t want that to be the energy I bring. I was told by a friend that the pain will never disappear, that it will always be there and I will always feel it. So during those moments in between the sadness, I want to exude trust, courage, positivity in life. I hate that he died and I still have yet to really wrap my head around it. But I don’t want to feel shitty. I have spent way too many years in the darkness and trying to drag myself out of a pit of anger. I don’t want to go back to that space, and I no longer want to bring that energy. I’m human and therefore fall into that space at times, but I try to show up with love and compassion. I try to commune with my dad’s spirit and remember the wonderful memories, and shed the tears when I miss him. It will happen for the rest of my life.

There are so many unknowns in life, and shit that happens when you just have no idea it was even yet a thought. It’s an exchange of energy. So showing up in life with awareness and conscious intention becomes what’s important. The idea that you don’t know when something small that you do may change someone else’s world. Or when something huge will transform yours.

We only ever can control our own actions. We cannot know the full effects of what we do and how others are effected by our energetic exchanges. It doesn’t really matter if the coconut fell because the crow landed on the branch. It may have made a huge difference, or no difference at all. But it’s important to have landed. To reach out to others with love and respect. To treat others with dignity and honor. Coming from a place of positive intention helps ensure that we are putting a quality of energy out there that can resonate positively. Energy and vibrations interact in subtle ways so even our thoughts are an energetic force. We need to think and speak these kindnesses. You never know when you can make someone smile during a time of tears, or when it’s your last goodbye.

You can help change the world, even if it’s the worlds time to change.

ResponsibleEnergy

 

Part I, Part II

Conversations…about Chakras

A lovely conversation about chakras:

Not Me

don’t really believe in chakras but i do believe in the mental clarity and neural pathway realignment that comes with meditation.

Me

why don’t you believe in chakras?

because it’s just a philosophical construct.

they’re not real. they’re more like metaphors for our own personal dramas and how to overcome them.

Me

it’s one of those things science is finally getting around to having the instruments to detect them

Kundalini and chakras are things I am actually really strong in feeling about.

Not Me

how do you know?

(not being argumentative, just genuinely curious)

Me

Have you ever read the studies about a group of people praying/meditating for a sick person in a hospital far away, without that person knowing, and that person’s health improves?

Not Me

i saw it in a documentary…something about that.

Me

It’s things like that that encourage me to believe in Chakras

Not Me

so, in your words, what do you think chakras are?

Me

And my own experiences

Wow. here’s an analogy that I just thought of, and I want to play with it so I’ll share it with you…

You’ve heard of the three blind men and the elephant analogy?

Not Me

ok

um…

no

Me

Incredibly abridged version: three blind guys come up on an elephant, one feels the leg says, wrinkly, hairy, strudy. Another feels the ear and says, no way, flimpsy, soft maleable, another feels the trunk and is like, no way, long, thin, hollow, muscular…you get the idea of how those three different parts, when isoloated, are completely different

but it’s still part of a bigger whole?

Not Me

ok yeah

Me

One of my favorite lines from the Person Letters, also in the same vein, says, “If God is truly so omnipotent as we say, how can one of our religions truly cover the entire scope of that omnipotence? Is it possible that each religion highlights an aspect of said omnipotence?”

still with me?

Not Me

ok sure… “all ways lead to the Way”. I read that in a book.

Me

probably a Tao book, lol

Taoist

Not Me

it was fiction but yeah, the character was based on a taoist monk

Me

Ha! Totally fucking called it

So, track with me.

Instead of god, think of our body

we have energy, right, you do believe that we have energy

and are made up of vibrations and energy, yes?

Not Me

yes

vibrations are energy resonating

Me

And would you agree that humans are multi-faceted individuals that has a large internal dynamic and external expressions?

tons of different moods, perspectives, thoughts, etc?

Not Me

yep.

Me

And we go through a ton of different transitions in life, yes? Different areas grow at different times, Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, and the such, yes?

Not Me

don’t know what that is necessarily but yes.

Me

Never heard of Maslows Hierarchy of needs?

Not Me

mmmno

Me

Not Me

oh ok yes

Me

Okay, let’s bring it back to chakras, lol

we are a being of energy

that is multi-faceted

Not Me

like a 12-side die

in dungeons and dragons

lol

jk

carry on

Me

so why not have different energy centers that focus on certain facets, that specialize in certain facets, instead of a free for all, that all contribute to the larger whole (bring back in the elephant) so that similar vibrations vortex with similar vibrations…bring in the rainbow here and you get the various frequencies of vibrations pulsing to produce color, those same colors relate to the chakras as well

and then bring in Maslow’s triangle, which also tracks with the chakras

why, if we are intellegent beings, would our energy not separate into sub energies to focus on different aspects.

Not Me

there’s a storm going on in my brain. please hold.

Conversations…what is your religion

I have amazing conversations and want to share:)

 

Not me

ah, so here’s a thought for you that i had last night along the lines of our discussion last week about fate/universe. What is it about fate/universal intervention and supernatural beliefs that are so appealling to humans? I mean, god/universe/religion, what-have-you are so ingrained in the human psyche that people who are atheists generally *become* atheists.. they generally are not born atheists. (again, using generally here, as i know there are some people who are raised by atheists and continue to be atheist). but atheists, in the truest sense of the word, don’t believe in any sort of religion, any sort of soul or spirit or metaphysical guiding force, anything that isn’t the physical world and its vast and astonishing manifestations. so what is it about divine intervention, supernatural beliefs that is so appealing to humans? i mean throughout our relatively short history on earth, humans have used supernatural beliefs/religion to explain phenomena. now though, we have science and proven facts that show us why things happen. (why the sun sets, why people get sick, etc).

i think it is because the thought of us standing on a rock hurling itself through space and looking up at the vast amount of infinite space above us reminds us of our own mortality. of our own fragile existence. and this of course, is terrifying. why not make some shit up about how everything that happens to us happens for a reason? or believing in a higher power that actually cares about what happens to us is like putting on a warm cozy sweater in the rain. the rain of the infinite abyss we call life on a planet amidst a billion other planets and an infinite amount of emptiness.

hmm. just some thoughts.

but to me at least, it’s like we’re wearing blinders when we get caught up in religion/fate/universal intervention. people say things happen for a reason. but how do you know? we don’t ever get to know that reason. it’s so egocentric, that statement. we’re wearing blinders that make us feel better. we’re not facing the reality that holy shit man, we are creatures that shouldn’t be. that came about through millions of years of evolution and somehow, someway, we’re still fucking here. we deserve some fucking credit, not some higher power or infinite cosmic go-go juice.

Me

Okay, first of all, LOVE this. Second, for the most part I agree.

It makes us feel better, gives us a reason and a purpose. Justification and leaves some of the accountability off of us.

what do you believe?

Not me

I consider myself more agnostic. i’m on the verge of atheist but atheists BELIEVE there is no god/higher power/soul. so i consider myself agnostic because I just don’t know.

plus, it’s a very comforting thought that there is something out there that we cannot see or touch that actually cares about these creatures on this far flung rock of a planet. however, if we ever learn that there isn’t, i won’t be devastated.

doubt is my religion. 🙂

what about you?

 Me

I think I am scientifically, energetically spiritual

I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in an external god

I believe in energy

and the laws of energy…so things happen for a reason. Well, yeah, because of energy, law of attraction, what you put out you get back, etc.

Not Me

energy can be quantified. and electromagnetic energy has been tested and proven to emanate from the heart. EM energy can do a lot.

Me

exactly

so I believe in that

so, there’s internal energy and external energy but it’s all still just energy reacting the way it’s supposed to

we have the power to shift our energy and I hold that very sacred so it gives me some purpose, some reason, a semblance of control

and the idea that we are all one/connected is very, spiritual to me I guess

it’s easy to forget that, especially when people are such assholes.

Me

which in turns makes us an asshole

respond to like with like, right?

law of attraction ish

And let’s add on to that

I do believe meditation and psychs can open portals. I don’t think we are alone

in this form, sure

but some of the experiences I’ve had, and the idea of our ego getting a little out of control to think we are the only ones

Not Me

ah, and that is where the wise decision is made to not take things personally. because yeah, meditation and such can open up “doors”, shape our brains, our personalities. to realize that we are eternal energy. this form is just temporary

Me

which is still equally as amazing and sacred

So, it’s interesting. I’m very “yoga” in thought and have been loving using science to back it up

so again, god? no

at least with the traditional definitions of god. a shift is happening so god becomes universe/energy…but I have a sour taste in my mouth with that word

yes! i love meditation and yoga for this reason. science has proven that these things are very good for mind and body.

exactly. god, by definition is something that overpowers us. we cannot shape. even though man invented “god”. i laugh when people worry about what happens after death. my dad sent an email out to all his kids a while back that said he was worried that we weren’t going to church, we weren’t practicing catholics because he worries about where we will go after death. well, if he was actually paying attention, and IF (a HUGE IF) there is actually a god and jebus and such, there is no hell for people to go to. god is seen as merciful to them. so why worry? it makes no sense to me. I just laugh at the trivial comedy of it all.

i just realize that paragraph may not have been easy to understand. in any case. LOL.

Me

so…question

Read two of your statements:

If this statement:

we cannot shape. even though man invented “god”.

Then how this statement:

plus, it’s a very comforting thought that there is something out there that we cannot see or touch that actually cares about these creatures on this far flung rock of a planet. however, if we ever learn that there isn’t, i won’t be devastated.

Do you see what I’m saying?

If man created god then there isn’t something out there that cares.

But wait.

What if we really did? Think about it energetically, is it possible that the energy of all of the mythologies, theologies, panthologies, etc that humans have been investing in/exploring/intending created the permeating energy…shit, thoughts aren’t synapsing over here…

mmmm

 Not me

hmmm… so if man created god, man is god. hahaha mwwahahahaha

*evil laugh*

Me

Man is Frankenstien…

Creation is stronger than the creator

 Not me

ooo i like that one

Experiencing a merge

Tonight I feel like I connected with myself. The first time in a long time. And I wasn’t even trying. After a long, exhausting and painful day, I slopped down and had some dinner. Turned on the computer and tried to disconnect with reality. And I was succeeding. And then I was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to do art. Not do any specific kind of art, I just wanted to be making lines, no purpose, no design, just art. I slept the computer, turned on Type O Negative, grabbed oil pastels (because I don’t usually work with them, just thought they would make less of a mess), and sat down with a big pad of paper.

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I just started making lines. No real purpose. I had seen a few images today I had connected with and was thinking about their lines and what I liked about them. It turned into a very awkwardly drawn body. I stared a

t it and suddenly knew that I should draw the energy centers. I started with the root chakra, making a very large red blur of color. And while I was doing that, I remembered some visions I had just before drifting to sleep last night and knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. And I proceeded drawing the other energy centers. And I really just focused on the way the color left the pastel and went on to the paper, the beautiful, uneven lines it made. And I watched as my hand moved the pastel across the page, how my fingers held the pastel and how my wrist turned as I made circles with the pastels. Pete Steele was singing in the background. It was a really intimate phenomenological moment. That one when you literally watch like an outsider what you are doing and yet at the same time being consciously/unconsciously(?) intentional in movement. Time stopped. I stayed on one color and focused on that energy center for as long as I was drawn to it. I noticed how I responded to various colors. Sometimes my hand moved quicker, sometimes slower. And then I realized I was out of space, still had to do the last chakra and that I really wanted to stretch my legs. No idea how much time passed. I stretched while looking at what I had spent time doing.

And I realized, maybe for the first time, I read myself in my art. It was like I had done a tarot reading…I was looking and could read in my art exactly where I was at as a human being. What I needed to be working on and what I needed to do to grow. I was excited to quiet my mind for long enough to listen to my energy. It’s been so long since I’ve felt quiet. I find it, at times, during yoga. In yoga class I feel my muscles like I watched my hand. I feel the pleasure of stretching them and releasing the emotions from them. But it doesn’t carry with me. But I had another little taste of the calm tonight. I felt that moment where the ethereal and corporal meet…where they merge and connect. You feel the beauty of each of them, simultaneously.

 

 

 

A reflection of the heart

She's on the verge of letting go...

The heart. It is not to be taken lightly. It is a motivator, an inventor, an artist, a lover. It’s said that people can discern your state of being by the energy pouring forth from your heart. The quality of the energy is essential. It’s difficult to add a happy veneer to such energy when you are heartbroken. It’s difficult to tame the enthusiasm when you are happy. The heart opens up to the vast, infinite possibilities of the universe. The expanse that we wake up to every day, and influences the decisions we make. My heart aches. I feel the heaviness, the constriction, the knowledge of what has been lost and never will be again.

My heart cries the tears feeding into the River Styx.

I bend, I bow, I love, I hurt. Always I hurt. The sadness begins with the first alarm, permeates by day, marinates by night and infiltrates my dreams. It fuels my subconscious, I never want to think. Trying to wrap my head around my heart is futile, is disturbing, is depressing. Situations change, people change, this I know. My heart still beats to the melody of what was. For how do we let go, of the impressions that we’ve made, the pain that we’ve caused, the anger that we feel? Fuck me, the stupidity, the tears and all of the drunken rages. Those spirits give life to the damaged soul.

The heart is a special part of me. It is not a plaything, or a toy…but I gave it away to a boy.

The energy from my heart is stained with desolation. Residue of pain. Vital energy gone, taken, and given to another, a shadow of me.

The energy of the heart is essential. It is the story of your being, writing the current page of your life. It is a guide, a friend, an enemy. It is the novel you read each day, the lens through which you see. The heart supports you, beats for you, is your lifeline, and yet can betray you. The heart can be your link to the world, the space from which you connect. It is your personal Grimmoire, the spell and curse you cast.

The heart is tremendous. It can weigh you down or lift you up. It can grace your lips with a smile or your cheek with tears. It creates and destroys, is precious and mundane. It is the place of emotions, the place of blood. Both pulsate life.

I gave part of my heart away. And he still has it. Toys with it. A friend with benefits nothing more. To be used and played with. Acknowledged when it suits the lover, discarded when there’s another.

The heart can infuriate, the heart can soothe. The red cadence consumes.

Woman in red painting by MSaxxy

A new year in art


2011 was an interesting year. I made a lot of progress in art, mainly in setting it up on Etsy and Zazzle.. I even sold three paintings. That was encouraging.



So it’s amazing that here I am in 2012 feeling like nothing happened in 2011 and that so much more needs to be done. How many of you feel that way? Need to be more consistent in blogging, in joining etsy teams and forums, in uploading products to Zazzle, in gathering a following, in determining relevant content, updating my website…oh, and let’s not forget about doing art and growing as an artist.



I must say though, that as I look back on previous projects I have worked on, I do feel like I have made enormous strides in my art. What I once thought was amazing is now questionable, and what I am doing now seems superb!


These two are .pdf’s if you want to check them out:
Outside of a Program
Another event program

An inside page to a program.
An inside page to another program. This will be printed on pearlescent paper to give it a wonderful shine.


It just never feels like enough though, does it? Always should be doing more, putting more time into things, life, art…It’s utterly exhausting so that by the time I am sitting down to do some art, I have no energy or brain power to do it. Everybody has to be in a similar situation though. So how do you do it? How do you maintain your life and still have the energy, will and brain power to improve yourself and your art. Create art. Explore your soul. Write music. How do you find the balance in your life, to live a life, and achieve all of your goals?

I’ve been here many times before


How did I get so lost? How did my energy get so blackened and dark and toxic? I guess I really did lose my self. I forgot to be aware of my own energy and what I needed. I think it’s easier to do that in college. Self awareness I mean. There’s more freedom, more space, more randomness and just overall the ability to take time for yourself. At least, it was that way for me. It was so much easier to just go for a walk, hell, walking to class felt good and was meditative and allowed me the opportunity to be aware of my self.


I need to incorporate that into my life, into my workplace and my post work habits. My energy is so toxic and it isn’t bright and shining with energy. The bright colors of my aura’s are dirtied by anger, pain, envy and fear. I’ve started a meditation that hopefully will help me clear my energy, imagining that the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet and indigo burst through and throw the tar aside. That a gold light envelops me and heals me. I imagine I am connected to the universe. A part of it. My feelings of isolation are self-inflicted. And I want to feel that no more. I want to live beautifully. Create a life of beauty. Expose the ugliness within me. I don’t want to catch a cold from the ice inside my soul. I don’t want to live a half life anymore, and I want to stop scaring myself and those around me. I want beauty, not bindings.