Woa is me. Whoa is me.

Hope and imagination are the only consolations for the disappointments and sorrows of experience.
Italo Calvino

Ah, the sorrows of experience. It invokes the adage of it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. The pain and torment that comes from some experiences that wrenches your soul and forces you to scream out…MERCY! You search for a sanctuary, but you cannot hide from your soul. You can shut it up momentarily, but at some point, dolefulness will seep into your bones and muscles until you can no longer ignore the melancholy that is soon to absorb you. You will be forced to scream out, Woe is me!

But at some point, does not the dismal turn bright. Even if only temporary. Does the pain ever lessen? Does it ever quietly concede control and slink back into the depths until another moment requires its personality?

A blue artistic attempt

I’m trying to be more free with my personal art. Not so concerned on how it looks as much as trying to find out what my natural voice looks like. I am an artist plagued with the inadequacy disease. I peruse the internet and see all the amazing work everyone else is producing, and I want to produce something similar. However, that is there voice, not mine. I’m not sure what my art looks like yet, so I am trying to just follow my instincts. I imagine that as I feel more comfortable just expressing my self, I can move on to the details (I am not really as detail-oriented as I would like, so this initial finding of my voice seems to be pure expression).I do tend to focus on the details as a designer, at work and in my job, but in my personal art, I seem to let them slide a bit.

 

It’s an interesting thought and process to find my voice. And I should say, my unique voice. The one not trying to mimic all the other great artists out there, but the one that comes from within my heart, soul and thoughts. Maybe through this process I’ll see what chaos is in my  head. Should be interesting. As it stands, here are two of my first attempts to find my voice. The base of the art is an oil pastel piece I did and brought into Photoshop. I would love to  hear feedback.

 

An attempt to find my voice.

 

This attempt is a bit softer.

 

I do get the feeling that they are incomplete. That I am telling a half story with my art as I am prone to do in conversation. Problem is, I can rarely remember the full story…seems to be the case here as well. Not quite sure where to take this and how to finish my thought. Seems to be an adequate reflection of my soul at the moment…I feel like I have just begun a journey and am nowhere near complete to self realization and confidence. So maybe these pieces are complete in their reflection of my personal incompleteness…maybe I am trying to abstractly intellectualize them though…Not sure…would love thoughts though.

A couple design options for an event

My job consists of designing invites, signs and programs for the events my company holds, amongst other things of course. But these projects are a few of my favorites. They really provide me with the opportunity to explore new design approaches and get creative. I go through the whole process of sketching out ideas first. It feels good to be able to go outside with my iPod and sketch. I let my intuition flow and detail whatever comes to mind. This particular event is surrounding an individual, so the first step was finding out about this person so that the theme could relate to them. All the details I received were that she is a quiet lady who lives in the mountains and likes to read and needlepoint. Here are some of my sketches:

 

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Needlepoint idea sketches

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Book, life journey related sketches

Two of these options were chosen. The next steps for me were to commit the chosen ideas to the digital environment. This helps the rest of my team (and myself) see what they would actually look like. The transition from pencil sketches to digital sketches often surprises people. I usually get an, Oh! I had no idea it was going to be so pretty, or Oh! I had no idea it was going to look like that! Now, I don’t know if that says something about my sketches, or that the digital environment really brings something to life, especially with color, that alters someone’s opinion so much. Here are the options in the digital environment:

 

Needlepoint inside option.

 

Needlepoint outside option

 

Book option outside

 

I wasn’t sure how they were going to turn out, myself. Especially the needlepoint options. But I am glad to say I think they turned out relatively well. And for a conservative company, I think they are decently innovative and cool-looking. The book option was chosen so I will be moving forward with that idea for this event, but since it was such a close tie in votes, I think the needlepoint idea may become the holiday card later this September/November.

 

Overall, I am pleased with these options and am excited to see how the book option continues to play out.

Hope is Beautiful

Beauty. It’s something that exists everywhere. We refer to beautiful people and we can mean their both them externally and internally. Friends are beautiful. Hope is one of those friends. Yes, I get the irony that the idea of Hope is beautiful and can help you get through the toughest times. I lose Hope sometimes. And I mean that in the idea of Hope, and the Hope that is my friend.

 

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Hope and I aren’t always consistent talkers. Life moves us forward and our interactions wax and wane like the moon. But we do manage to reconnect, and nothing changes. Granted, it takes a few hours to catch up on the stories of what’s been happening. And some of it is very “girl-talk” and cliche. But by the third bottle of wine, our souls have connected once again and we move into the realm of beauty. Of what it means to be real. What it means to be emotional and how we work through those moments. I was able to capture a raw moment of reflection for Hope. It was amazing and I hope she doesn’t mind if I share this video.

 

 

Hope Is Beautiful

 

It’s amazing the connections you can have with people if you open your heart to them. I learned a few great things that night. Emotions are good, when in moderation and in control, a true friend is always by your side, no matter where you are ;), you’re beautiful when you least expect it, and it really is a terrible idea to drunk-text.

 

 

The life of my dreams

Some days are harder than others. Those are usually the days when I realize I have complete control over my life and that my lack of satisfaction and forward movement are all my own fault. That’s when my thoughts turn really destructive and I humiliate myself.

It’s when I realize exactly how lazy and scared I am. That I’d rather sleep instead of try. When I would rather dream, instead of actualize.

I have this amazing dream of how I imagine my life to be. Me being slim and healthy and an awesome yogi, an avid reader, a functional empath…Me and my man successful at art and life and happiness. Having art nights all the time and people salivating for our work. Being happy and free.

 

It takes time and discipline to get there though. As everything in life does. And apparently I would rather sleep than act. I keep having epiphanies on life and have even shared them here. But those thoughts and ideas do me no good if I can’t manifest them into reality. If I can’t stop sleeping through life and take action. That’s the biggest failure of all, but it seems to be one I am okay with. I must be okay with it since I’m not cultivating the habits I dream of. I am not taking action.

How do you take action in your life. And assume ownership of how it’s turning out per the decisions you are making?

Coffee talk with my Souls Friend

Meeting up with a friend you haven’t seen in a while is such a beautiful thing. I had missed her, our conversations, her inspiration, her soul. Rachel is a unique beauty in my world.

A unique beauty in my world

One thing I love about Rachel, is her ability to weed through my chaos and pick out the flowers. Pick out what’s essential. We talked about such a plethora of topics: emotions, memories, Osho, what happens if you don’t breastfeed enough or pump quick enough  (I’m a bit scared now), love, life, how to be productive, what’s important to us, developing our selves, art. Her insight is necessary for me. She helps me to clear the clutter.

I hate doing the dishes, but I can''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''t go to bed without doing them.

“Megan, you just have to write down what’s important to you, what the habits are you would like to see in your life, and focus on them.
Just do them.
I can’t stand doing the dishes, I hate doing the dishes. I forced myself to do the dishes every night for a while, and now I can’t go to bed without doing the dishes.
And I still hate doing them!”

Such an important lesson for me. Some of things I want to have in my life I hate doing.  The seem like such menial tasks. But doing all of these things are essential to achieving my goals. I had been procrastinating, and in complete Wisdom, Rachel reminded me those things aren’t going to happen unless I do them, even the boring things. She reminded me I am control. And that I know what it takes to be an artist, to do what I need/want and that I know how to achieve. I just need to stop being afraid, stop procrastinating and do it. Being the amazing friend she is, she even helped me flesh out a to do list: one that I started this morning and already feel great about. This blog is on it 🙂

She reminded me what it was like to be a bit spontaneous. To sit in a bookstore and talk. Drinking coffee and laughing. Realizing some things really are hard to do with one hand.

Expressing.

Grounding.

Revealing.

Being weird.

Being honest.

Being me.

She is one of my few links to college, such an important time in my life. And I am so grateful she came into my life then, and is still around.

I am grateful for coffee talk with My Soul’s Friend.

Coffee Talk

Putting art back into my routine

I really must get into an art routine. I feel so panicked and stressed and I keep thinking it’s due to work and relationships. But all of a sudden, tonight I don’t think that is the reason. I now think it’s because I don’t do enough art.

I spend so much of my time knee deep in social media that I forget that inspiration is pointless if you don’t produce. In fact, it is counterproductive. I look at so many styles and at so many wonderful and gifted artists out there that I forget to develop my own personal style. And I get intimidated thinking I will never be that good. And I won’t unless I put art back into my routine.

Once art is part of my routine again, I will feel good. I will feel on the path to my authentic self and will grow into the life I want.